Meditations on a Life of Organized Chaos: Letting Go

There's a reason they call them ugly tears ... but I think I'm entitled to them today.

It's been awhile ... again ... since I've blogged, but I am in serious need of some blogging therapy today, so here goes ...

I don't even know how to begin this post. There is so much that I could say, and yet I feel so numb inside too. You would think that it would get easier as each child leaves home to head out and conquer the world, but each time I feel as if a bigger chunk of my heart is being ripped out. I am a basket case for days leading up to the departure, and on the day of ... well, the ugly tears don't often show up on the doorstep of my face, but on these days they are rampant. It's such a weird set of feelings that are swarming through my body because I am so happy for my children and so proud of who they are choosing to become, and yet I am so incredibly upset to see them leave me. I know they can't stay, and yet I selfishly want to have them here. It's a mess.

Laney and Spencer will be together at BYU-Idaho this year!

Today we said goodbye to Spencer and Laney as they hopped in the car to head to college at BYU-Idaho. Weirdly, although it is still hard to have Laney leave, I don't find it nearly as heart wrenching because I think I've gotten used to her having a life apart from our family for much of the year. Her being home is a bonus for me because she is away so often. But when the kids first leave home it is so jarring because I have only known life with them by my side here at home. Since the day they were born they have been HERE. I can't begin to imagine how my life will be with them somewhere else. There are little things that each of my children do that are a part of the fabric of our family life. Every day I expect them to be around here doing their thing. When they leave it just feels so incredibly EMPTY, as if a whole section of our house has been torn away. It's not so much that life is going to be worse. It won't be. It's just that it will be different as we enter into a new phase of our relationship with our children as adults. One of my facebook friends posted an article about how life changes when children move away because as parents we transition away from our role as EVERYDAY support for our children and move into a more advisory role on a periodic basis. That is so true. How hard it is to be here in Waynesville while my older children are somewhere else making choices and living their lives independent of me! I feel like all of the feelings that I feel as I see my children leave home give me a tiny glimpse into how my Heavenly Father must feel about me as I try to make my way through this life. You would think that things would get easier after having done this two times before, but it only gets harder and harder each time we do it. I can't imagine how much of a mess I'll be when JoJo and Minsy leave home in the next 10 years.

But, I know that it is good for children to grow up and leave as they create their own independent lives That's the way it should be. I know that. It just is hard to make the transition. Yesterday I was walking through Wal-mart in tears. I had decided to put together a little package gift for Spencer to have when he arrived at college, and it ended up being a gigantic package of all sorts of canned goods and staples for him to eat because I was worried that I wouldn't be there to make sure that he would buy good food to eat. I was okay until I got to the cereal aisle and realized that after 17 years I didn't know his favorite cereal. All I could think about was how I wouldn't see him sitting at the table after grabbing a bowl of cereal to eat, and now I didn't even know what kind he was eating, just that he was there at the table and wouldn't be there after today. Thinking about him having to buy his own bowl of cereal put me over the edge. Like I say, I'm a basket case in the days leading up to departure.


Laney and Spencer know my well. They bought me a chocolate bar to ease my sorrow as they were leaving.

I have found myself this afternoon walking through the house and noticing all of the empty spots created by Spencer's leaving. It's hard to believe how much quiet blankets a home when a child leaves. It's not just that they aren't there to be talking or listening to music or watching a movie or any of those noise creating activities. It's like the house metaphorically shrinks a little because a presence is no longer there. It's just so quiet, and it feels like something that should be here is missing. But, it's time to dry my tears and be grateful for the 17 wonderful years that Spencer has been a constant presence here. So, in honor of Spencer checking into his new (semi)adult life as a college student, here are some things about him that I will miss in our everyday life:

When Spencer was little I was convinced that he would be a sports guy. He loved to play all kinds of sports, and he was fairly good at them, too. He does still like to play sports, particularly soccer, but he has developed interests that are completely different than what I would have expected. He's actually turned out to be quite a musician. We'd had an acoustic guitar sitting around in our house forever waiting for Herman or me to pick it up and learn to play as we often dreamed of doing. One day Spencer picked it up and started to practice, and he kept playing every day over and over and over until he has become pretty good at it. In the meantime he purchased a few other types of guitars so that he could learn different genres of music. I'd say he's good enough to make it at a run down diner somewhere if he wanted. I am going to miss hearing him sing some Jack Johnson or obscure Beatles song while playing his guitar in his room.

I would never have pictured Spencer as an artist when he was little. He was too impatient to pay attention to details in things or to spend the time to get an art project just right. But out of the blue he started painting and sketching things in his spare time. I think he's seen every Bob Ross episode ever created .... enough that he can explain the nuances between Bob Ross at the beginning of his career and Bob Ross at the end. Neither Herman nor I have any artistic ability, so having Spencer find joy in creating art has been surprising. I'm going to miss finding his sketches lying around the house or seeing him creating a Spencer Original painting in our basement.

Spencer has a unique way of looking at the world. Not everyone gets him. He had a teacher in high school once that explained that he sees the world in an artistic way ... not so straightforward, but instead from a different angle. I have been so happy that he has found people around here as he has grown up who understand and appreciate this about him. I love that Spencer has shared his interesting view of the world in our family as we discuss world events or movies or our community or whatever. He brings laughter to our home and a fresh look at life. I'm going to miss hearing his commentary on life every day.


Herman caught this picture of Spencer with his good friend, Peter, after church on Sunday. He tried for a non-goofy shot, but this was the best he could get from these two.

Spencer has developed into an amazing caregiver. My brother, Ryan, has cerebral palsy, and it has become difficult for my parents to do all of the heavy lifting that is required to help Ryan perform necessary daily tasks. Spencer began going over to help get Ryan ready for his day in the past year. Every morning he would wake up and be to my parents house by 6 am in order to get Ryan awake, dressed, and ready for his day. He helped Ryan to get to the bathroom, got his food ready for him, and helped him get onto his daily bus ride to the program Ryan attends all week. I loved watching Spencer care for Ryan. That's not work that everyone is cut out to do, but Spencer never complained. He's actually expressed some interest in doing patient care work like that in the future. I am going to miss seeing Spencer work with Ryan every day.

There are so many things that I am used to seeing Spencer there for. I can't imagine sitting in church without him sitting next to me. I can't imagine not seeing Minsy crawling all over him there. As I watched him sitting with her last week I started to cry as I thought about him not being there any more. I will miss seeing him driving on one of his various missions around town. I will miss seeing him gather with the other young men in church to joke around after church or on Wednesday nights. I will miss seeing him outside mowing the lawn ... and not just because I like having someone else mowing my lawn. I really will miss seeing him working around the house. I will miss seeing him wrestle with his younger brothers or teasing Katie about a boy crush she has or her hyper-enthusiasm for school activities.

Off they go! We're sending the well used Ranger with them this year. Fingers crossed that it actually survives the semester still usable. It's been through a lot and probably doesn't have much life left in it. But hey! It's an adventure!

This summer Spencer spent some time painting door frames around the house. He had some extra tape left over from one of the projects, so he decided to use it to make words on my bedroom wall. They make absolutely no sense. No sense at all. But in a weird way they are so representative of Spencer. I couldn't take it off the wall. I'm not sure if I can take it off the wall now. It makes me think of him. But, I can be reasonable. My goal for today is to let him fly away, so I'm going to take that tape down ... and probably cry the whole time.

See what I mean? No sense at all ... but I love it.

Letting go is hard, but I am and will always be eternally grateful for the good kids that I have. I trust that they will be successful in life, and seeing them succeed on their own is one of the great rewards of parenting. Having these children leave home hurts my heart a little, but I am so happy to have these great children as part of my eternal team. Life is hard sometimes, but oh so good.