Called to Serve ... the Sequel

Things hardly feel real to me today. I feel a weird sense of emptiness. Somewhere in the back of my mind I feel like I should be freaking out or something, but I feel relatively peaceful about everything. Still, my heart is full with this weird mix of sadness and happiness after sending Savannah away today to begin her 18 months of service as a full time missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. She'll be attending the MTC in Mexico City for six weeks where she'll learn to teach the gospel in the Spanish language. Then she'll be back to the US to spend the remainder of her mission serving in the California Bakersfield mission. These feelings shouldn't be a surprise to me. We've done this before as Laney left to serve in Chile two years ago. But it doesn't get any easier. Even when I feel like this is the best thing for Savannah to be doing right now it doesn't keep me from hurting so much as I think about how much we are going to miss her.

Just because I think it will be cathartic to do it, here are some things I'll miss about Savannah:

1. Her amazing sense of humor. Savannah can see the funny in almost any situation, and she tells the best stories. I love to sit in another room and listen to her talking with her siblings and making them all laugh. I hope that her letters home will show some of this humor, but I'm not sure it'll translate to written language quite as easily as it flows from her mouth.

2. Her relationships with Spencer and Laney. Spencer and Laney are pretty different people, but for some reason Savannah clicks wonderfully with both of them. Spencer just comes alive when Savannah is around, and I never really noticed that until she was gone to school this past semester and then returned home for Christmas break. I love how Savannah and Laney giggle so much when they are together, but I also love how Savannah is good at keeping Laney centered, especially when it comes to relationships and things like that.

3. Her love for really odd old movies, old not-so-classic television, and old radio programs. Savannah told me that one of her BYU roommates this past semester told her that she could see Savannah marrying someone a lot older than her. I'm not so sure about that, but I can see why her roommate said that. Savannah has old tastes in entertainment ... not old like me or even old like my parents. I think that people of my grandparents' generation would have really jived with Savannah and her media preferences. It's not just that Savannah watches or listens to these things. She revels in it with so much joy and enthusiasm that you can't help but want to watch along with her. Over Christmas break she introduced us to the French classic film from the 1960's, Les Parapluies de Cherbourg. What a downer of a movie/musical! But it's a classic, and watching with Savannah took what could have been one of those experiences that I would call an extreme waste of two hours of my life and turned it into a classic family moment. There is this famous song from the movie that we couldn't get out of our heads, and throughout the last week Herman, Laney, and Savannah would start humming it as background music if anyone started being a Debbie Downer about anything. So funny! I'll miss those sorts of moments.

4. Her ability to quote a movie or television program without missing a beat in order to match whatever situation we find ourselves in. Savannah must have the entire SpongeBob series memorized. Okay, probably not, but it is uncanny how quickly she can pull up a SpongeBob quote perfect for the moment. Uncanny. It's part of the thing that makes us laugh so much as we head through life.

5. Her musical talents. There is very little that gives me as much joy as hearing Savannah playing the piano each morning as I'm waking up. She has always played the piano because it brought her peace and joy. In fact, when I had pretty much given up on arranging piano lessons for my children Savannah took it upon herself to teach herself to play better. I love hearing her play the organ in church. The organ in our church isn't functioning 100%, so I can't wait to have her return so that we can take her somewhere where all the organ functionality is working so that I can hear the full range of her talent. I hope she gets lots and lots of opportunities to play on her mission.

Well, I'm feeling tapped out when it comes to inspiration today. I feel like my words just aren't working, so instead I'll just share a few pictures taken today and yesterday as Savannah was set apart and headed off on her mission adventure. They won't tell the whole story of what is going on in my head, but they'll help a little. Here you go ...

The very best thing about Herman's calling as a stake president is the opportunity it gives him to set apart our children as full-time missionaries. He is so good at imparting wisdom and letting missionaries realize the blessing that they will be in the lives of those they serve on their missions. I love hearing the blessings he promises in the setting apart blessing. They are the best! I love hearing the blessings he offers to others, but it is extra special to hear those blessings given to our children. You can truly feel the Holy Ghost testifying of the importance of this work and their role in sharing it with the world.

Everyone was fine until JoJo started to cry. He came up to me
and said, "I don't know why, but for some reason I am more sad
for Savannah to leave than I was when Laney left. I don't want her
to go." Awwwww.

And that's when Savannah lost it.

And the day finally arrived. I LOVE leaving from the Springfield airport. It's so
small and personal. There is no stress at all due to the airport. It gives us time
to stress out only because we are sad to see her go.

Best friends. Sisters. And now they'll have the Spanish language
to share as well. Hermanas forever!

Savannah understands Spencer better than anyone. I love how Spencer
comes alive whenever he laughs with Savannah.

Saying goodbye is hard to do.

Proud daddy!

God be with you 'til we meet again!

Ten(ish) Books

Last month Laney had a former high school teacher post a challenge on her facebook page asking her and her friends to share ten books other than the Bible that had stuck with them in some way. I kept checking back on that post to see what people posted. It was super interesting to see what people said. Some were sincere answers where you could feel the book love oozing from their words. A couple seemed less sincere ... more like the sort of books that they thought they should put down rather than actual books that really touched them in some way. 

Seeing that post made me think of my own list of ten books that had some sort of impact on my life. Since the Bible was excluded as a possibility in their post I'll also exclude The Book of Mormon although I will say that both the Bible and Book of Mormon had the most lasting impact in my life and probably deserve their own separate posts. As for more secular choices, here are ten books that have touched me deeply in one way or another or books that have just stayed in my heart and head for some reason...

First, a caveat ... a read a lot. I love to read. Although I am not violently opposed to reading heavy topics I prefer to read lighter, happier books that are more escapist. Any Judgey McJudgey's out there who are going to shake their heads over that should probably stop reading now and make your own list that makes you feel happy inside. These books hold a special place in my heart for different reasons, and hopefully, everyone else can enjoy my picks without feeling any need to form opinions about my personal worth. I hope you can appreciate it for the fun that it has been for me to compile this list and not place any sort of eternal significance on my thoughts.  Here are my books in no particular order:

I think I first read this book in high school (maybe it was in college), and I didn't fully appreciate it because it was an assignment. Reading it as an adult I fell in love with this beautiful story. Gabriel Oak may have the most perfect name of any character in all of literature. He is an example of constancy, even when Bathsheba (another PERFECT name) doesn't deserve it. It's a classic that deserves more attention.

I have hated the words and 
I have loved them,
and I hope I have made them right.

Like I said, I don't really like to read sad books, so I stayed away from this one for a long, long time. It is a sad one. But it is such a beautiful story. Really it is just a collection of events in the life of a girl living in Germany during World War II. The movie doesn't quite do the book justice, but I loved the movie too. But this book is one of those books that had me weeping and weeping and weeping. Ugly tears. War sucks, you know?

Rainbow Rowell is one of my favorite authors, although I haven't really loved some of her newer stories. I love the subtlety of her writing where ordinary people live ordinary lives, but in the process manage to touch my heart. This is the story of a terribly awkward guy who had the job of monitoring company emails in the 90s, a time when email was a new thing and somehow companies thought that one guy would be able to keep tabs on everyone. As he monitors the communication of a coworker (it sounds creepier as I write it than it does in the book) he falls in love with her. It's a super sweet story that made me smile.

Cassandra Clare is better known for her Mortal Instruments series, but I never really liked those stories at all (apologies to all the mega-fans out there). But I absolutely loved this Infernal Devices series so, so much. It's a steampunk story with automatons living in the midst of 19th century life, so not everyone will find this to be their cup of tea, but it worked for me. This final book in the series was my favorite of the bunch with the most beautiful, wonderful, and equally heartbreaking epilogue ever. Another one that broke me down with big ugly tears. Poor Minsy was really worried that I had lost it when she found me in a puddle of tears while finishing this great story.

I can still remember my 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Brockmeier, reading this story to us. I fell in love with it then, and I fell in love with it again as I read it as an adult. This is the story of a wealthy girl who is pampered at her boarding school until a horrible change in fortune destroys the life she has known and turns her into a pauper. Even in the midst of horrible treatment, however, this little girl finds strength that proves that you don't have to have wealth to be a princess. This is one of those stories that will always have a warm spot in my heart because it reminds me of being a little girl. Every little girl should read this once in their life. Love it!

Jane Eyre may get the honor of being my favorite book of all time. It's a fluid honor, so it may not hold this place forever, but for now it is a book that I love the most. I love romantic stories, but I really, really love romantic stories with depth. This is not just a story full of happy romantic moments and trivial struggles that keep the protagonists apart. This a story with heart, and it makes my heart happy seeing the growth of the relationship between Jane Eyre and Mr. Rochester, even when it was so full of completely wacky experiences and tragedy. How in the world does Mr. Rochester think he is going to get away with his ridiculous marriage plans?

This was another book that was required reading in high school, and I LOVED it. It's been a long while since I've read it, and just sticking it on this list makes me want to go back and read it again. I'm not sure if it will have the same effect on me now as an old lady as it did when I was in high school, but at the time I read this I was transfixed. I won't share it now (or probably ever on this blog), but I have a terribly awful fear for my children that directly corresponds to the outcome of the life of the character Phineas in this book. It makes no rational sense, but at the time I read this story it hit my heart and mind so intensely that I have never been able to shake this fear. This book is definitely going onto my to-read list for 2016.

This may be the most beautiful story I have ever read. It is a retelling of the Celtic swans myth. An evil sorceress turns a girl's six brothers into swans, and the only way for the curse to be lifted is for this girl to remain completely silent as she weaves and creates shirts for her brothers from a horribly prickly plant ... a process that takes years. It is a story of love on so many levels, but maybe most importantly about the love of a sister for her brothers, and it is beautiful how this love is expressed entirely in silence for much of the book. So absolutely beautiful. I adore this inspiring story, but as a warning, there is a rape scene in this story that is not exactly graphic, but it is terribly disturbing, so some may want to avoid reading it.

Have you guys read this book yet? No? You need to read this book. I LOVE These is my Words. It is a novel told in journal format about a girl who becomes a woman as she travels to the Arizona territories to start a new life with her family. This is another one of those books that turned me into an ugly crier. But I would read this one again and again even if it reduced me to those tears every single time. Sarah Prine is one of the strongest female characters in literature. And Captain Jack Elliott is da bomb! Loved him! Oops ... there goes another tear. (Thanks for recommending this Sammy Jacobson!)

How could I have a list like this without including Harry Potter? I love this series for the magic and the joy and the power of good over evil. I love how it seems like J.K. Rowlings wrote these books as if she knew the end at the very beginning. Everything ties together so well at the end. I enjoyed all the books in the series, but this final book was my absolute favorite even though there was so much more heartbreak in this book than in the others. The scene where Harry heads into the woods, believing that he was sacrificing himself to save everyone else and then being joined by his friends and family members who had died earlier ... it brings me to tears every time I read it. This is a series that I could read again and again and one case where the movies didn't ruin the books for me.

And because I had a hard time limiting myself to just ten choices, here are six honorable mentions ...

This is the one book where I included a quote instead of the book cover because Walden by Henry David Thoreau is a book full of quotes that make me want to change my life. I can't help but want to sell all my possessions (well, maybe not all of them ... gotta keep my pictures), and head out into the woods to live off the land and simplify. People who spend their days freaking out about all the crazy news out there should take a minute to read Thoreau's feelings about what is truly important news for us to know. Spoiler alert ... 99% of what we call news in our day wouldn't make the cut. This is a book that truly makes me want to eliminate the excess of my life and begin to LIVE.

I once told a high school lit teacher recently that Pride and Prejudice was one of my favorite books, and she rolled her eyes at me. Seriously. Rolled her eyes. I get it. It seems almost cliche to choose this book. But I'm owning my feelings here. It's a great book. It's funny and pointed in its criticisms of the aristocratic pride of the time. The romance is rewarding, if not the sort of romance that I'd wish for the people I care about. Sure, I've seen the BBC mini series probably three hundred times. I'm not ashamed. It is a book that I don't mind re-reading every once in a while when I'm in the mood for a classic feel good novel.

The Kite Runner is not a book for everyone. It tells the story of a boy growing up in Afghanistan before the Soviet invasion many years ago. It is a beautiful story, and it made me really, really sad for what has happened to that country ... to its history, its culture, and its people. Such a tragedy. A powerful book, but there is some violence in the story that is difficult to handle. Like I say, not a book for everyone.

Ethan Frome is a super short book. It would probably be more accurate to call it a novella, but it is a powerful one. The entire story basically takes place in the middle of a desolate winter, and that sets the stage for a horribly bleak story. Someone told me once that this was a beautiful story of redemption. I'm not sure what story that guy was reading, because what I read was horribly depressing and bleak ... and infuriating. There are few stories that have left me feeling so angry at the end for the way circumstances left the characters at the end. But this is a story that has stuck with me ever since. If you ever want to read a reason why it matters that you choose well when you marry someone, this is it. 

Don't judge me. I know that Twilight has a lot of haters out there ... especially after those movies kind of ruined the whole thing. But when I was first introduced to this series I just fell in love with the story. I know that there is a lot to criticize with this series, but what I loved about the story was that giddy feeling that reminded me so much of how it felt to fall "in love" for the first time in high school. Sure, it wasn't really love, and it probably was not exactly the healthiest thing in the world, but, oh man!, those feelings are just intense. That's what this series made me remember, and I really loved it.

Villette is not a widely read novel by Charlotte Bronte. People generally only think of Jane Eyre when they think of her. However, Villette is a more personal tale that mirrors some of Charlotte Bronte's real life experiences and feelings, and I really enjoyed it. In some ways it was a better book than Jane Eyre, although I don't think it will ever take away the deep love I have for that novel. Still, Bronte is able to display absolutely precious humor throughout this story that had me giggling at times, something that rarely happens as I read classic literature. Delightful and worth the read.

So there you go. I hope you've enjoyed my list. It has been fun for me to compile. What books have touched your life?

New Year, New ...

I've done a terrible job of blogging this past year. Not for lack of awesome things to share. No, it wasn't that. 2015 was a year full of wonderful family events, and I had all sorts of thoughts in my head that just begged to be written down somewhere. I don't know why I didn't take the time to blog. I just wasn't feeling much in the zone for some reason. And now 2015 is over with so much left unsaid. (tears) But it's a new year, and with this new year there is the requisite feeling of renewal and renewed intention to make things better, and I'm feeling very inspired to do a better job of recording the highlights of my life and thoughts in this blog. Weirdly, I'm also feeling a bit inspired to record more of my private thoughts and deeper feelings as well, but this is definitely not the forum for that. Instead, like Nephi of old, I'm going to keep two records. In this blog I'll write some of the more fun (and maybe a bit less personal) thoughts and activities, and I'll use my less often used online journal account for writing the things of my heart that I am less willing to throw out to the world. Someday my posterity might like to read those thoughts, but for now they'll remain hidden from everyone but myself. My goal is to journal every day and try to blog once or twice a week. We'll see how it goes. I'm not even sure if anyone actually checks this blog out any more. I've been such an infrequent contributor. But for those brave souls who have stuck it out, here you go ...

I have spent this entire holiday season thinking about the end of things. Kinda morbid, but not really. I remember when I was a young mother standing out in the hall at church with two wiggly little ones a well meaning, but unthinking, woman came up to me and told me that I would not be able to enjoy church for at least ten years since I would be wrangling kids for that entire time. I came home that day in tears and told Herman that I didn't think I would be able to make it ten years. It seemed like FOREVER. Oh my goodness, it seemed as if my entire life revolved around chasing little children and keeping them, and the world around them, from harm. And this was only with two children. Since that day we've added five more to our brood. It's been almost twenty years since that woman made that horrible comment to me, and I can easily say that she was seriously wrong. Sure, life was hectic. Life was crazy. I never got enough sleep. My house was a bit of a disaster too many times to count. But I did manage to enjoy church. I did manage to find joy in life and time for myself during all those crazy years with little ones. I find myself agreeing more with the well meaning, and super wonderful, woman who came up to me a bit later when I was standing in the hall at church with two more wiggly little ones and told me to enjoy this time because before I knew it, it would be over. I still remember her face as she said those words. I felt those words as I looked into her eyes. I could feel the truth of them, and even in the midst of chaos at the time I KNEW that she was right. Those were times to be cherished because they were fleeting. 

Sometimes I did a great job at remembering that. Other times ... not so much.

And now here it is today as 2015 (!) has gone away and I head into 2016 (!). Time is FLYING. This year as we sat together as a family on Christmas Eve and did our Christmas traditions I realized that this would probably be the last time that I had all of my children together for a Christmas Eve and Christmas morning together. Savannah is leaving next week for an 18 month mission to California (more on that in a future post), so she'll be gone next Christmas. Spencer will leave for his mission for the two Christmases after that. I am almost certain that Laney will probably be married before Spencer returns, and once the kids start getting married and starting their own families we'll all be pulled in a million different directions, and it will be practically impossible to have all of us together at once for actual Christmas morning. It hurt my heart a tiny little bit to think about this as I watched the festivities this year around the tree. But, weirdly, I didn't feel so much melancholy as I thought I would. Instead, I just felt this tremendous joy. So much joy. I have been blessed with such a wonderful little family. My children are a joy to me. Herman is the absolute best husband I could ever ask for. Much more wonderful than I deserve, I find that my love for him is deeper every single year. I only feel sadness at the end of our Christmases together as a family because I have so much joy in my family. It is a blessing in my life, and I hope that I never take that for granted. 

Last night we celebrated New Year's Eve together as a family. There was a time when we first moved to Waynesville when we would plan these huge New Year's Eve gatherings for our friends. They were a ton of fun. Last night as we sat at home watching Rocky together (don't be jealous over our amazing NYE activities ... and by the way, it was my first time seeing Rocky, believe it or not) Herman asked why we don't do those big activities any more. I told him I had no desire to do that any more. I can't imagine anywhere else I'd rather be than sitting with my family together ringing in the new year. It isn't a flashy way to celebrate, but it sure does make my heart happy. Last night was one more celebration that was unlikely to be repeated again with all of us there. It is the 23rd time that Herman has been my first kiss of the year, and I expect many, many more. Through the years we've added seven more wonderful children to our celebration, and even though last night might have been the last time to have them all together for this particular celebration, I am just so happy that I have been given the opportunity to have all the times together that I have had to this point.

Life as I have known it is probably over as Laney and Savannah have headed off into their futures away from home and Spencer close on their heels as he is prepared to leave next year. I can't exactly say that I am ready for the transition to this new life, but I'm not devastated about it. I simply recognize that it is going to be different ... not better or worse, just different. I'm kind of interested to see where this new stage of life leads us. As Laney has started legitimately dating seriously I have had tons of fun talking with her about her feelings and her hopes for the future. It makes me ridiculously giddy, and I am super excited that I'll get to experience that giddiness six more times (maybe), although I seriously doubt that Spencer will be quite so forthcoming with details about his romantic life (but you never know, right?). And even if I have to spend some of that time helping my children navigate the difficult times of their lives as they head out on their own and make the choices that will determine their own individual futures, I am sure that I will find those deep feelings of connection that occur when I can hopefully offer some nugget of wisdom gained through experience that might make their road a bit less bumpy than it needs to be. I find that as we enter this new arena I feel so much more peaceful and relaxed about life. I feel better able to feel the joy of my experiences and hold tight to those things that truly matter, letting go of the things that don't. 

So that is what I choose to do this year for my resolution. Although there are a ton of little resolutions I have made for myself, my overwhelming desire is to hold fast to the good in life and shun the bad. I'm going to step away from those things that cause drama (and at this point in my life other than the possibility of a Donald Trump presidency (horror!), I don't really get all that bent out of shape about too many things) and do a better job of embracing the little moments of my life and enjoying the ride while it lasts. 

So here's to a new year and a new opportunity to better record those moments. To those of you who actually enjoy my infrequent ramblings, thanks for sticking with me. I hope you find it worth your time. Cheers to a great year for all of you!