I've done a terrible job of blogging this past year. Not for lack of awesome things to share. No, it wasn't that. 2015 was a year full of wonderful family events, and I had all sorts of thoughts in my head that just begged to be written down somewhere. I don't know why I didn't take the time to blog. I just wasn't feeling much in the zone for some reason. And now 2015 is over with so much left unsaid. (tears) But it's a new year, and with this new year there is the requisite feeling of renewal and renewed intention to make things better, and I'm feeling very inspired to do a better job of recording the highlights of my life and thoughts in this blog. Weirdly, I'm also feeling a bit inspired to record more of my private thoughts and deeper feelings as well, but this is definitely not the forum for that. Instead, like Nephi of old, I'm going to keep two records. In this blog I'll write some of the more fun (and maybe a bit less personal) thoughts and activities, and I'll use my less often used online journal account for writing the things of my heart that I am less willing to throw out to the world. Someday my posterity might like to read those thoughts, but for now they'll remain hidden from everyone but myself. My goal is to journal every day and try to blog once or twice a week. We'll see how it goes. I'm not even sure if anyone actually checks this blog out any more. I've been such an infrequent contributor. But for those brave souls who have stuck it out, here you go ...
I have spent this entire holiday season thinking about the end of things. Kinda morbid, but not really. I remember when I was a young mother standing out in the hall at church with two wiggly little ones a well meaning, but unthinking, woman came up to me and told me that I would not be able to enjoy church for at least ten years since I would be wrangling kids for that entire time. I came home that day in tears and told Herman that I didn't think I would be able to make it ten years. It seemed like FOREVER. Oh my goodness, it seemed as if my entire life revolved around chasing little children and keeping them, and the world around them, from harm. And this was only with two children. Since that day we've added five more to our brood. It's been almost twenty years since that woman made that horrible comment to me, and I can easily say that she was seriously wrong. Sure, life was hectic. Life was crazy. I never got enough sleep. My house was a bit of a disaster too many times to count. But I did manage to enjoy church. I did manage to find joy in life and time for myself during all those crazy years with little ones. I find myself agreeing more with the well meaning, and super wonderful, woman who came up to me a bit later when I was standing in the hall at church with two more wiggly little ones and told me to enjoy this time because before I knew it, it would be over. I still remember her face as she said those words. I felt those words as I looked into her eyes. I could feel the truth of them, and even in the midst of chaos at the time I KNEW that she was right. Those were times to be cherished because they were fleeting.
Sometimes I did a great job at remembering that. Other times ... not so much.
And now here it is today as 2015 (!) has gone away and I head into 2016 (!). Time is FLYING. This year as we sat together as a family on Christmas Eve and did our Christmas traditions I realized that this would probably be the last time that I had all of my children together for a Christmas Eve and Christmas morning together. Savannah is leaving next week for an 18 month mission to California (more on that in a future post), so she'll be gone next Christmas. Spencer will leave for his mission for the two Christmases after that. I am almost certain that Laney will probably be married before Spencer returns, and once the kids start getting married and starting their own families we'll all be pulled in a million different directions, and it will be practically impossible to have all of us together at once for actual Christmas morning. It hurt my heart a tiny little bit to think about this as I watched the festivities this year around the tree. But, weirdly, I didn't feel so much melancholy as I thought I would. Instead, I just felt this tremendous joy. So much joy. I have been blessed with such a wonderful little family. My children are a joy to me. Herman is the absolute best husband I could ever ask for. Much more wonderful than I deserve, I find that my love for him is deeper every single year. I only feel sadness at the end of our Christmases together as a family because I have so much joy in my family. It is a blessing in my life, and I hope that I never take that for granted.
Last night we celebrated New Year's Eve together as a family. There was a time when we first moved to Waynesville when we would plan these huge New Year's Eve gatherings for our friends. They were a ton of fun. Last night as we sat at home watching Rocky together (don't be jealous over our amazing NYE activities ... and by the way, it was my first time seeing Rocky, believe it or not) Herman asked why we don't do those big activities any more. I told him I had no desire to do that any more. I can't imagine anywhere else I'd rather be than sitting with my family together ringing in the new year. It isn't a flashy way to celebrate, but it sure does make my heart happy. Last night was one more celebration that was unlikely to be repeated again with all of us there. It is the 23rd time that Herman has been my first kiss of the year, and I expect many, many more. Through the years we've added seven more wonderful children to our celebration, and even though last night might have been the last time to have them all together for this particular celebration, I am just so happy that I have been given the opportunity to have all the times together that I have had to this point.
Life as I have known it is probably over as Laney and Savannah have headed off into their futures away from home and Spencer close on their heels as he is prepared to leave next year. I can't exactly say that I am ready for the transition to this new life, but I'm not devastated about it. I simply recognize that it is going to be different ... not better or worse, just different. I'm kind of interested to see where this new stage of life leads us. As Laney has started legitimately dating seriously I have had tons of fun talking with her about her feelings and her hopes for the future. It makes me ridiculously giddy, and I am super excited that I'll get to experience that giddiness six more times (maybe), although I seriously doubt that Spencer will be quite so forthcoming with details about his romantic life (but you never know, right?). And even if I have to spend some of that time helping my children navigate the difficult times of their lives as they head out on their own and make the choices that will determine their own individual futures, I am sure that I will find those deep feelings of connection that occur when I can hopefully offer some nugget of wisdom gained through experience that might make their road a bit less bumpy than it needs to be. I find that as we enter this new arena I feel so much more peaceful and relaxed about life. I feel better able to feel the joy of my experiences and hold tight to those things that truly matter, letting go of the things that don't.
So that is what I choose to do this year for my resolution. Although there are a ton of little resolutions I have made for myself, my overwhelming desire is to hold fast to the good in life and shun the bad. I'm going to step away from those things that cause drama (and at this point in my life other than the possibility of a Donald Trump presidency (horror!), I don't really get all that bent out of shape about too many things) and do a better job of embracing the little moments of my life and enjoying the ride while it lasts.
So here's to a new year and a new opportunity to better record those moments. To those of you who actually enjoy my infrequent ramblings, thanks for sticking with me. I hope you find it worth your time. Cheers to a great year for all of you!
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