I have a problem ...

Hello. My name is Melissa, and I have a problem. I think. No, it's true. I have a problem. You see, I am desperate to know what is going on in my daughter's life. Desperate. Now the mentally sound thing to do would be for me to just call, right? But here's the thing. I do. We are talking to Laney almost every day, and I know that this is way more than we can expect as Laney continues to grow and create her own life outside of ours.Still, it's not enough for me. I find myself wondering what she is doing and where she is at. I wonder if she is eating enough. I wonder if her roommates are treating her kindly. I wonder if the completely insane dating culture of BYU-Idaho is eating her alive while at the same time wondering if she has a whole camp of boys falling madly in love with her. (After all she is practically perfect in every way. Who wouldn't fall in love with her?) So, as convenient as a simple phone call might be, I am trying super hard to be good and give her the space she needs to grow.  No matter what, I will not give in and call her twenty times a day. I won't. No, instead I will just relentlessly look wherever I can to see if I can glean some sort of information about her life. 

I'm a mess.

With all of this wondering about her life I find myself checking out her facebook page several times a day to see what's up. I told Herman today that I have become a total mess, piecing together what Laney's life must be like based on cryptic facebook posts and comments. When she friends a new person I check them out ... only a little ... mostly to make sure they aren't a creeper. Mostly. But (holy cow!) maybe I am the creeper for being so curious about this new circle of influence in Laney's life. What is wrong with me?

This might be a good time to bring back an oldie but a goodie from my blog posts. This is the one where I realized that I had turned into Mrs. Bennett from Pride and Prejudice. Check it out HERE. Sadly, things seem to be even worse now that Laney is at college. I'm going to have to get myself under control or I'll implode by the time Eliza leaves home. 

I am super grateful that Laney has taken pity on me many times in the last two weeks and called, giving me the nitty gritty details of her social and academic life. I'm going to do better. I am. After all, the first step to conquering a problem is recognizing that you have one, right? I think I'm going to get to work writing that book that is stuck in my head. Maybe creating my own little fictional reality will be enough to distract me from obsessing about Laney's actual reality. I can only hope.

The Yin and the Yang of Blau Family Financial Planning

Life used to be fairly simple for us. Herman worked for the school district, brought home the same amount every month, and the district was kind enough to take out money for taxes, retirement, and health insurance. No big deal. It wasn't the highest paying job in the world, but it was steady and predictable. We knew how much money to expect each year, and we knew that our healthcare and retirement would be taken care of along with our taxes. 

Then we got crazy and decided to leave all that security and head into the world of entrepreneurs. Suddenly life got a whole lot more complicated. We never knew how much money to expect each month or even whether we could expect anything. Life was a roller coaster for a lot of the first six years of this existence. There were times when we felt comfortable and took the time to pay down much of our debt. Then there were other times when we would look back over the year and wonder how in the world we were able to survive on so little income. Was it worth it? Oh yeah. We have been so richly blessed in non-financial ways during these past years. I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Well, lately things have been going wonderfully for our little start-up company. It has been such a blessing for us since we have so much debt to pay down. We had ourselves on a ten year plan to get that accomplished, but it looks like we will have that done a lot sooner. Hallelujah! Unfortunately, with success comes a great deal of complication in business. Things are no longer simple to understand, especially when dealing with taxes and retirement and healthcare. Things had gotten so terribly difficult that even our accountants were somewhat flabbergasted as to what we needed to do. 

This year we finally found an accountant who could understand our complicated financial situation. I have never felt so much love for a financial person before, but when he finished our taxes this year Herman and I both wanted to take a special trip to Osage Beach just so that we could see him in  person and give him a giant Blau hug. He has been such a blessing for us this year.

Once our taxes were completed it was time to start doing some serious planning for our future. Here is where things get incredibly difficult to understand. Our accountant set up a meeting for us a few weeks ago to get some ideas of directions we could take. We met two different financial advisers with two very different styles. The first guy seemed a lot more normal to me. I felt like I could relate to him a lot better and I understood almost everything he told us. The second guy came in and just looked the way I would picture a financial planner guy. He looked like he dabbled in financial planning in between his vacations to Cabo. He definitely gave off a jet setting vibe. And then he began to talk. Holy Cow! I was totally lost. I had never even heard of half of the financial planning ideas he was introducing to us. No wonder people hire others to plan this stuff. I feel like I have a fairly decent intelligence, but these words sounded like a foreign language to me. I couldn't begin to wrap my head around how they would be part of a financial plan for our little company. 

And here is the reason that I wanted to add this post. During these meetings Herman and I sat together and took notes. Our job was to listen to the ideas these men presented and then decide if we were interested in setting up any of these plans. At one point in the meeting I looked over to see what notes Herman had taken, and I had to laugh.

One page of my notes:

And here are Herman's notes:

He's more of a visual guy. These lovely circles represent Herman's plans for our companies in the future. Totally clear, right?

I think that these pictures perfectly illustrate the differences in the ways that Herman and I approach business and finances and life. So different. But you know what? It works. Somehow it works.

I'm Bad at This Mothering-A-College-Student Thing

Laney has been gone over a week now, and I'm still not used to it. Maybe I never will be. Surely I will, though. I have to get used to it eventually, right?

When Laney first arrived she called us every day ... sometimes several times a day. It felt a lot like when she was at EFY. She would have an amazing day and then call us and tell us all about it that evening. It wasn't so bad. I could get used to life like that. Laney would have her freedom and the opportunity to live life on her own, but we would still be super involved all the time. 

But then classes began on Monday.

With classes came more responsibilities for Laney and less free time. She was also getting the chance to meet more and more people, so it seemed like her free time was occupied with plans to see other people. That's not a bad thing. That's exactly what is supposed to happen. I know that. I do. Still, with the new rigorous daily schedule Laney did not have extra time to call us. And I was slowly starting to die inside.

I would find myself checking my facebook feed almost ten times an hour, hoping that Laney would make some update to her status or post a picture or even just have someone else tag her in a picture. I wanted to know what was going on in her life. She was busy in high school, but I knew where she was every minute of the day. When she got home each day we debriefed and learned what went well in the day and what didn't go so well. Suddenly that wasn't happening any more. I didn't realize how much I appreciated those daily debriefings until they were no longer a part of my day.

Last night I sat by my phone half the evening, wanting desperately to call Laney. But yesterday was September 18th. Why does that matter? Well, apparently this is a pretty important holiday in Chile, and while they celebrate in Chile by occasionally storming the castles and rioting, in the US people from Chile and missionaries who served there like to get together and fiesta. Laney met a guy in her Book of Mormon class who served his mission in Chile, and he invited her to go to one of these fiestas. An excellent chance for her to start to learn this language and a bit of the culture. I knew she was going to this event at some point in the day, but I wasn't quite sure when that would be. I didn't want to make Laney seem too lame by having her mom call her during the get-together. I was so excited to hear how it went, though. I was hoping that she would call. 

But nothing.

I am not complaining about Laney's lack of phone calls. Not at all. This is normal. She probably calls us more than the average college freshman does. This has more to do with my inability to relax and let her live her life independently. It's killing me. I just want to know EVERYTHING. Everything. 

But that would not be kosher.

In the parent meeting that was held the weekend before classes, the president of BYU-Idaho talked to us and encouraged us not to be helicopter parents, constantly hovering around our children, refusing to let them live their lives independently. I heard him. I did. I do not want to be that parent who refuses to let go. It isn't healthy for me or for my kids. I have to learn to let go. But, my oh my, it is a hard thing. How can I relax when one of my babies is half-way across the country, doing who-knows-what? It seems unnatural that someone who was so much a part of our daily life, here for everything we experienced, is now not a part of that daily life. 

One thing that does bring me some solace -- at that same parent meeting, President Clark advised against being "snow plow" parents as well. These are parents who go before their children, clearing the path of any obstacles, attempting to prevent their children from ever having to face difficulties as they head off on their own. I know that I am not one of these parents. Hooray for that! Laney has proven to be pretty good at handling those obstacles all on her own.

I am sure that by the end of this semester I will be much better at this. I hope so, because at that point we will be saying goodbye to her as she heads on her mission to Chile. Then she will not be able to talk to us on the phone at all most of the time. We'll have to content ourselves with weekly emails and letters. So I'll work on things. I'll get myself together soon enough. I'm just eternally grateful that she is such a good girl and is making good choices in her life. It would be much harder to have her away from home if she was off making horrible decisions.

This parenting thing can be sort of hard, you know? But each sort of hard changes as they grow and enter new stages in life. And the great blessing of parenting is what I call the "nevertheless" moments. Things might be difficult at times ... NEVERTHELESS the joy and happiness that come to us as we parent these wonderful children outweigh any of the difficulty. I know things were hard when Laney was a baby, but I can hardly remember those difficult times. All I remember is the good. Tender mercies. Tender, tender mercies. I expect the same with this new phase in parenting.

If only I could keep myself from checking my facebook statuses or the messages on my phone every minute I might live through this.

Boys ...

This'll be a short post today. It's pretty hard to type with a broken and immobilized right thumb (see HERE). 

Today I picked JoJo up from school. He's been riding the bus to my parents' place with Hyrum every day after school to give them a chance to get to know Grandma and Grandpa better. But now Hyrum has practice for the district elementary honor choir every Wednesday, so I decided to just pick JoJo up from school since it is so close to our house. That brings me to today's moment of mirth.

The situation for parent pickup at East Elementary is AWFUL. Horribly awful. By far it is the worst organized pickup of any school in the district. It takes FOREVER to move parents and kids through the line. After sitting in line forever today I finally was able to get JoJo. When he got in the car he said, "Mom, I wasn't thinking about you at all while I was waiting today. I could only think about how much I needed to go to the bathroom. So bad" 

Good thing we only live two minutes from the school.

We got home pronto, and JoJo hopped out of the car and into the house without delay. He opened the door, stepped into the front room, and then suddenly stopped, ten feet away from the bathroom.

"Wait! What am I doing?" he cried.

Then he promptly turned around, headed out into the front yard, unzipped ... and took care of his business right there ... because, you know, where else should you go when you gotta go? Why bother with modern plumbing?

Boys ....

Have I mentioned how weird my thumbs are? Well ...

Herman is off dropping Laney off for college at BYU-Idaho this week, and I have found that when Herman is out of town I always get a hankering to fix things around the house, some project to help pass the time and make me feel accomplished, I guess. This time has been no different. What did I decide to do? Tackle the terribly cluttered and eternally trashed Boys Room with an intense shock and awe campaign. I was cleaning and purging and rearranging. When the boys got home from school they would not be able to recognize that shining beacon of a room that would greet them. Well, that was my plan anyway. It turns out that what I got instead was a mini adventure in the middle of my day.

Here's the story ...

I decided that I would change the light in the boys' room. Right now they have a ceiling fan, but I decided to change that light and make it a simple light fixture. Working with electricity always freaks me out a bit, but I feel a huge sense of accomplishment when I am able to conquer that fear and change lights or outlets. This should have been a simple task ... take out the ceiling fan and install the light. No big deal. Normally I just grab a chair and get to work, but today I decided that it would be a ton easier if I just grabbed a ladder and didn't have to reach up so much. We have an excellent step ladder for this. I'm not sure why I didn't grab that one. Instead I decided to use a multi-position ladder that was sitting right outside our garage. Do you know what this type of ladder is? These are ladders that have tab-like things on the side that can be used to adjust the ladder, making it taller or shorter, bending it at multiple angles.

Like this one.

It can be a neat sort of ladder to have around the house ... usually.

I headed outside to grab it and found that it was extended a little higher than I wanted it to be. No big deal. I'd just pull out the tabs, adjust the height, and go on my merry way. Except when I tried to do it I found one of the tabs to be stuck. I could pull it out, but it took some arm muscle to do it. I had released one side of the ladder and began pulling the other tab with all the strength I had. I wasn't going to let a little lack of give in this tab prevent me from getting my project completed. So I pulled. And pulled. And pulled.

Well, that side of the ladder finally collapsed ... right onto my right thumb. Arg! Or more like ... AAAAARRRRRGGGGG! Holy cow, that hurt! (An extra fist pump my way for not breaking out in colorful cursing or breaking into tears).But the pain was the least of my problems. My thumb had been crushed by the ladder, but now it was also wedged in between the two sliding parts of the ladder. And it was wedged in good. I couldn't move the ladder at all, and it was at a crazy angle so I couldn't get the right amount of leverage to move it off my thumb. Now I was in a horrible pickle. No one else was at home, and it would be two more hours before Savannah drove home from school. I could drag myself to the neighbor's house, but I'd have to find a way to drag this increasingly heavy ladder with me. I was getting desperate. Luckily, for some reason (I'll say it was divine intervention), I was able to remain totally calm. No racing pulse, no shortness of breath. I was thinking clearly. I calmly looked at the ladder to see if there was anything I could do to make it budge and finally decided that if I contorted my body just a little and kicked out my foot there was a small chance that I could move one of the legs of the ladder enough to pull my thumb out. So I did. And I was thankfully able to get my thumb out of the pressure point. Thank goodness that I was holding my thumb on the ladder the way that I was. Because of the way I had held the ladder the legs were able to slide past my thumb, only trapping it in between. If I had been holding my hand perpendicular to the way I had be holding it, I am pretty sure that I would have sliced my thumb clean off. Yikes!

And now phase two of my adventure began.

Once my thumb was removed I immediately grabbed it with my left hand and squeezed to manage some of the pain. It wasn't horrible, but I knew that I had done some damage. But I did not want to look. Not at all. I have no problems saying that I could never, ever be a nurse. I just can't look at human injuries. I wouldn't say that I get queasy. I don't know what it is, but my mind just shuts down at the sight of anything that looks remotely painful. And that is when I am looking at other people's injuries. It is ten times worse with my own body. Luckily I have not had to deal with a lot of injuries so far in my life. Maybe if I had I would have a stronger constitution about pain and injury. But I was sitting at home by myself. Somebody had to look, and since I didn't think I had a close enough relationship with my neighbors to say, "Hey, would you mind taking a look at my grotesque thumb injury?" I knew that I would have to be the one to do it. So I looked. It's funny how detached a person can be when looking at an injury so bad that your body part doesn't really resemble what you remembered it to look like. That's what happened to me. It looked like my thumb had been compressed into a pancake. Not the entire thumb, just the middle part of it. One of the fleshy sides of my thumb had been crushed all the way in to the bone, and it didn't look like the flesh was in any hurry to return to normal.

Ice! I needed ice. So to the freezer I headed and grabbed my universally useful package of ...

Frozen Peas!!!

With the injury now iced I sat down and decided what to do next. I thought it would probably be over-reacting if I called 911. But then, even with how bad the thumb looked, it didn't feel like it was broken. I would feel silly to head to the doctor's office, only to be told that it was just an owie, and just to look for a big bruise to appear in the next couple of days. So I dithered a bit about what to do. I thought it was fine, but I was worried that maybe there had been some tendon damage, and I would be upset with myself if I lost the use of my very important thumb because I was too proud to get it looked at by a professional.

I headed to the Mercy walk-in clinic. It wasn't the easiest drive in the world. You forget how important your thumbs are until you are unable to use them. Driving was a bit of a challenge. I managed okay, but it wasn't too comfortable. Thank goodness for relatively light traffic and a short drive.

It was a slower day at the clinic. Hallelujah! I didn't have to wait too long to get in. It was nice to be there to see Dr. Karls and Amanda one last time. Have I mentioned before how much I love Dr. Karls? Well, I love Dr. Karls! I am super sad that he is moving back to Pennsylvania, but I guess it would be super selfish of me to demand that he stay here in St. Robert just to be our doctor in emergencies. And I love Amanda too! But I'll still get to see her since she is not leaving town, just switching jobs.

They did an x-ray. I was able to see the pictures almost immediately after they were taken, and they looked totally fine to me. I was convinced that Dr. Karls was going to come back, put a bandaid on me and tell me to take a few Tylenols ... until he came back and announced that I had broken my thumb in two places. Oh no! For now I would get a splint, but the radiologist was going to look at the x-rays to see if I needed to see an orthopedist and get a cast. So far I haven't heard back. Hopefully that means I won't need a permanent cast. That would complicate my life a lot. With a prescription for Percocet and a sweet new splint I was sent on my merry way. The pain has been manageable for the most part. The biggest challenge is trying to perform normal tasks without being able to put much weight on my thumbs. Crazy hard. Luckily it is the weekend, and I have my trusty band of Blau children around to rotate thumb duties as needed. I'll survive.

Did you read the post about how weird my thumbs are naturally? Well, my thumbs are already super weird. You can read that post HERE. They are short and wide and stubby. There are a whole host of issues with having weird thumbs, but you'll have to read my previous post to hear all about my experience with that. Now I am a bit worried that my right thumb will end up even weirder. What if my thumb ends up short and wide and stubby AND flat as a pancake OR bent at an angle? Then I'll never find the right bowling ball to fit my hand. Or my already deteriorating hand writing will get even worse as I have to learn a new grip. Oh well! At the very least this will make an interesting story for later in life, I guess. 

But you know what? I think I'll wait until Herman gets home and let him replace the light in the boys' room. 

New Horizons

I had thought that there might be something wrong with me. I really did. As the past few weeks have gone by I knew that this day was coming, the day Laney headed to college at BYU-Idaho. I knew it. And although my mind was thinking about every "last" thing that we were experiencing --last Institute class, last day of church, last family meal, last high school football game, etc.-- I felt like my heart was somehow disconnected. I felt like everything seemed so unreal. I just couldn't picture how it would feel to have Laney leave us. On Sunday at church I looked up on the stand and saw Herman sitting next to Laney. During the closing song he was crying but trying hard not to look too emotional, but I knew exactly what he was thinking. That could be the last time he gets to sit next to Laney at church for a long, long time. I knew he was feeling pretty emotional about it, and normally that is enough to get me crying as well ... but I didn't. Nothing happened. What was wrong with me?

Instead of feeling all of this sadness for the day when Laney headed off to college, I was feeling so excited -- not because I wanted Laney to leave us, but because I knew that she was going to have an amazing time in college. She is entering college so much better prepared than I was at her age. She is super talented and intelligent, but she is also able to work hard and really savor the learning environment.  She is kind and giving and willing to look out for others always. She is an excellent dater. She is not going to head to college and fall into so much of the ridiculous relationship drama that seems to plague lots of college freshman (if I use my facebook feed as any indicator). She is driven and already making reasonable and exciting plans for her future. She can be a great friend to everyone. She is prepared. And she is going to have an excellent time. I hope she doesn't mind too much if I live through her vicariously every once in a while.

And now the day has come. I woke up early and taught seminary and then came home to watch Laney say goodbye to each one of her siblings as they headed off to school. I thought that this would be the point when I would break down in tears ... but nothing. Savannah and Spencer had to leave first to head to the high school. I know that Savannah will really miss Laney. They are truly best friends. One of my favorite things in the world is to sit and listen to the two of them laugh with each other about random things each day. I feel like Laney understands Savannah better than anyone else, and it makes me sad to think about how distance will change their relationship. I hope that they will always remain close to one another. No matter what. Spencer and Laney have had a more push and pull sort of relationship. Part of me thinks that it is because they are so alike, although neither one of them would admit it. But that relationship has gotten a lot better as the two of them have matured in the past several years. As Spencer hugged Laney today for the last time in awhile he said, "I will miss you for the last half of the time I've known you, not the first half. I'm still upset about you stabbing me with a screwdriver during the first half." You have to know Spencer to know that he said it all with humor and love. (And the screwdriver incident was not as bad as it sounds, but bad enough that Laney got the chewing out of her life from Herman). Katie also left early to head to the 6th grade center. She and Laney look so similar. As Katie has gotten taller in the last few months I have constantly called her Laney. I'm going to have to break myself of that before she gets a complex. Secretly, I think that Katie is most excited to see Laney go so that she can have extra room in the bedroom they share, but you didn't hear that from me, right?

JoJo and Hyrum left a bit later to get on the bus to the elementary schools. Their goodbyes were pretty simple. Hyrum pretended to weep, but he handled things just fine. JoJo just treated it like any other time he says goodbye to Laney. I'm not sure he totally understands exactly how different things will be. No big deal.

Minsy was going to be the hard one. I could tell that Minsy knew something was happening for the past several days because she has been VERY reluctant to have Laney leave her sight. Minsy loves Laney so much. She is her good buddy, and she will not know what to do if her "Mamie" is gone for a long time. Herman and Laney decided to wait to leave until a little later this morning, so Minsy got to spend some good quality time with Laney as she packed. Laney has always been super good about letting Minsy help her with lots of tasks around the house, and she let Minsy help her pack her stuff in the car this morning. Then they headed to the garden for a bit to pick tomatoes like they have lots of time in the past few weeks. But after a bit it was time to go. They have a LONG drive ahead of them before they get to Idaho, so every extra second spent at home was going to kill them on the drive out there.

And that's when everything finally hit me. As we headed outside I really thought about how much things were going to change now. This is the beginning of a new chapter in our relationship with Laney. Sure, we'll still have influence with her, but the reality is that she will be making more and more decisions completely independent of us. Scary thought. I wasn't ready to move to this next level. I thought about so many things as we stood on our front porch getting ready to say goodbye. I thought about how clueless we were when she was born. We knew NOTHING about raising children. Yet she still loved us. I thought about how I used to watch her run home after getting off the bus when she was in kindergarten. I thought about how happy she was to get back to our house after a day away at school. It made me think sending her away now to school far, far away. I really hope that she can have the same enthusiasm about coming home now as she did back then. I thought about her love for all things Harry Potter. I thought about her years growing up and seeing her change from a cute and precocious little girl into a strong, courageous, and righteous young woman. And I thought about all the things that I will miss while she is forging her own path in this world. I will miss hearing her sing to her favorite EFY songs while she worked to clean in her room. I will miss seeing her write things constantly in her journal. I will miss that feeling of joy I always felt when I saw her showing kindness to those who were desperate for someone to talk to. I will miss seeing her kneeling in prayer by her bed, something that she would always do without prompting. I will totally miss that little dance of joy that she would do whenever she got a letter in the mail from her missionary friends. That was always so much fun. I will miss seeing her play with Minsy each morning. I'll even miss her constant need to re-watch Saturday's Warrior over and over again ... so hokey. I'll miss it all.

So I stood there on the porch and started crying. I tried to hold it in and be brave for Laney. I didn't want her losing it as she headed out. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't. I just want so badly for her to be okay. I want for her to make good choices and find ways to truly be happy. I don't want for the crazy world around us to corrupt her good, sweet personality. I want to be with her FOREVER.

Saying goodbye one last time.

As we stood there hugging goodbye Herman told us that he was thinking today about what it must have been like for Heavenly Father when we left our pre-existence to come to earth to gain a body and gain experience. He must have felt so similar to how we feel as we watch Laney go. We know that she needs to do this. We know that she can only progress and reach her full potential if she leaves us. But we sure hope that she will make good choices and remember us. We hope that she will take the time to call us and listen to our advice we when offer it. We want her to come back to us, happy, healthy, and strong.

We headed down to Minsy's bus stop to get her on her preschool bus, and we were a total mess. Laney was able to give her one last hug before saying goodbye for awhile, and all of us were in tears. The bus driver and the aide probably had no idea what was wrong with us. But we made it through. It is going to take a bit of time before Minsy really figures out that Laney is going to be gone for awhile.

We made it back to the house and said goodbye one last time. I have been a mess since then. Luckily it comes in waves so I can get a few things done in between sob fests. This is only the beginning for me. I can look forward to having to do this six more times. I have heard it gets a bit easier. I hope so. I'm not sure my emotional state was meant this much feeling.

I am feeling sort of old today, and yet I also feel like I am not nearly old enough to be having this experience. It seems like only yesterday that we brought home a sweet baby girl, and one night in the middle of my post-baby blues Herman had to comfort me as I cried and explained that I was sad that I couldn't feel her inside of me kicking any more. I know. That probably sounds terrible, doesn't it? But I so missed that feeling that you get when you are so connected with another little person. I can't explain it. Today it seems like I only had time to blink, but now I am feeling a different sort of separation anxiety because my little girl is now an adult and will living a life that is not as connected to ours as it once was. She will be having experiences separate from ours, and I don't think I am quite ready to let that happen.

And yet it has happened.

I can't do much about that, and, to be honest, I wouldn't change things anyway. This is how life works. We are now entering a new phase of parenting with Laney. It's going to be different, yes. But it can be just as exciting and fulfilling as this last phase was. Laney is ready. She is strong. She is smart. She is kind. She is good. And she KNOWS what is important. She has all the tools she needs to make it ... not just make it, but thrive. I am excited to see where life takes my first born. It's going to be a sweet ride.

P.S. -- Just for kicks, I uploaded this song that Laney sang for New Year's Eve this year. It makes me happy. :)