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| Atop the Great Wall of China I'm an incurable romantic. For my kids . . . it gets a little old to hear about it. |
I feel like I am living in my very own fairy tale. I'm the ugly, awkward duckling of a princess who found my perfect prince, and somehow ended up feeling like a beautiful swan of a princess. I just pulled out my old journals that I kept while I was dating Herman nineteen years ago, and I still get giddy reading about how fun and exciting our early dating experiences were. We are always telling our kids that they don't have to plan these super extravagant dates -- just something simple and fun -- but Herman and I sure had some fantastic and fun dates when we first got to know each other. Our dates have certainly got a lot more boring through the years, but our friendship and love for one another has gotten deeper and more enduring.
But me as a dater is not what this entry is about. This about me as a mother of daters. Well, right now I only have one dater and one soon-to-be dater. But they are just going to keep coming every few years for the next thirteen years, so I'd better learn how to figure this whole thing out.
Yesterday I was watching the 1995 BBC version of Pride and Prejudice for about the ten thousandth time. (Like I say, I'm a romantic). I have always thought that I was a lot like Elizabeth Bennet -- you know, witty and smart (at least in my head or on paper -- I'm too shy to say those witty things out loud). Whenever I see the movie or read the book I think that I relate the most to her as a character.
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| Jennifer Ehle as Elizabeth Bennet |
Well, yesterday as I watched the mini-series I had a sudden realization. I am way more like her mother, Mrs. Bennet. Oh no! That couldn't possibly be true. She is such a busy body and totally over involved in concern for her children's relationships and future life. I was struck with horror that that thought could even enter my head. There was no possible way that I could relate to Mrs. Bennet at all. And yet . . . the more I thought about it, the more I realized that at some point in my life I have switched from the witty, engaging young Elizabeth Bennet into her overbearing, loud mother.
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| Alison Steadman as Mrs. Bennet |
I have to include one/two excellent Mrs. Bennet scenes from the 1995 Pride and Prejudice to illustrate what sort of mother she was to her five daughters. I absolutely love these scenes when Mr. Bingley comes to visit the family and then eventually returns in order to propose to Jane. Classic Mrs. Bennet! The beginning of the video is awesome, and my favorite scene begins at the 5:30 point. Enjoy!
Okay. So I am NOT completely obsessed with getting my daughters married. Not at all. I don't even want to get them boyfriends. Not at all. So I'm not like Mrs. Bennet in that regard. But here is what I am obsessed with: I know that my children are getting closer and closer to a time when they will be making important decisions about their futures. Part of those choices will involve the person who they will eventually marry. I'm not talking about decisions that will take place in the next year or two. They still have a bit of time. But it is probably less time than they anticipate. I was married to Herman when I was twenty-one. Twenty-one! Laney will be that age in four SHORT years! That seems insanely young to me now, but at the time I felt perfectly ready to make such an important eternal decision. It worked out just wonderfully for me, but I am totally concerned about my children. I so want to make sure that they get these choices right. Ultimately I won't have any say in this choice -- and that is a good thing. We are not living in the age where parents arrange marriages for their children, thank goodness. So I only have one real opportunity to play a part in this big decision for my children. Right now I make sure and take the time to talk to my children as often as I can (too often in their opinion) about the ideal qualities in an eternal companion. We don't talk about these qualities simply in general terms (you know, saying things like 'I hope to marry a man who is kind'). Although we do make those sort of statements once in a while, I instead tend to point out specific young men and talk about specific qualities that those young men possess. It isn't that we are sitting around and judging the young men of the world. It would play out like this: Laney, notice Joe Friday over there. See how nice he treats his mother. What about that young man? See how he sits and talks to the widows sitting next to his family at church. Don't you think that that is a great quality in a young man? So anyway, those are the sort of things I do all the time. I know that Laney thinks that I am trying to set her up with every good quality young man on the planet. But I'm not really doing this. I already talked about our dating philosophy in this post. But the gist of it is that we want for our kids to have a lot of dating experiences so that they can really start to realize the types of people who they click with and prepare themselves to make these eternal commitments eventually.
But even recognizing all my dating philosophizing, I still have to admit that I do get absolutely giddy thinking about my kids (and at this moment, my girls) going through this process of dating and courtship in the next several years. I am excited to hear about their experiences as they go through all of this. The fun of first love should be almost as exciting for me as it will be for my kids. I love to hear about all of the dates that Laney goes on. Even though none of these dates are leading to anything serious or long term, it is still fun to hear about her just going out and having fun with her friends. I love to see young men treating Laney with kindness and respect.
I always thought that I would be a cool cat of a mom when it came to my kids dating, but as I watched Pride and Prejudice last night I really did begin to see that I am more in line with Mrs. Bennet, trying to orchestrate things behind the scenes. When I noticed this I shared my thoughts with Herman and Laney, and Laney didn't even bat an eye. She said, "Yeah, Mom. That's exactly what you're like." Really? I didn't think I was that bad. Laney didn't stop there. She went on to say that she was like my own little SIM character who I could manipulate as I lived my life through her.
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| I think I'll make Laney into the yoga girl on the right. :o) |
She was saying all of this joking good-heartedly, without any malice. I think she just kind of rolls her eyes at her parents' behavior regarding her dating. From my giddy excitement about every single detail to her father's willingness to drive her all over the country (seriously, he just drove her out to Utah for a date) if a righteous young man takes the time to ask her to go on a date (most probably wouldn't ask her because, seriously, who expects a parent to drive their children across the country for dates?), Laney has gotten used to parental enthusiasm in this department.
So say a little sigh for my poor children and what they have to deal with when it comes to dating in our household. It is probably good that Laney is planning on heading out west to go to college. Otherwise I would be a mess of a parent when she started college dating. Poor Laney is our practice specimen in this regard as well. We'll probably be very laid back by the time JoJo and Minsy get to dating age.
So I admit again . . . I'm a romantic. I think that deep down my girls are as well. They just would never admit it to me at all because it might set me off on one of my eloquent speeches about the joys of first love or another heartfelt kiss with my sweetie, and I think my poor kids have heard and seen enough of that for a lifetime. Now I guess in the meantime it's time for me to continue reading the next romantic novel in my collection. Ahhhhhhhh . . . young love!
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