New Horizons

I had thought that there might be something wrong with me. I really did. As the past few weeks have gone by I knew that this day was coming, the day Laney headed to college at BYU-Idaho. I knew it. And although my mind was thinking about every "last" thing that we were experiencing --last Institute class, last day of church, last family meal, last high school football game, etc.-- I felt like my heart was somehow disconnected. I felt like everything seemed so unreal. I just couldn't picture how it would feel to have Laney leave us. On Sunday at church I looked up on the stand and saw Herman sitting next to Laney. During the closing song he was crying but trying hard not to look too emotional, but I knew exactly what he was thinking. That could be the last time he gets to sit next to Laney at church for a long, long time. I knew he was feeling pretty emotional about it, and normally that is enough to get me crying as well ... but I didn't. Nothing happened. What was wrong with me?

Instead of feeling all of this sadness for the day when Laney headed off to college, I was feeling so excited -- not because I wanted Laney to leave us, but because I knew that she was going to have an amazing time in college. She is entering college so much better prepared than I was at her age. She is super talented and intelligent, but she is also able to work hard and really savor the learning environment.  She is kind and giving and willing to look out for others always. She is an excellent dater. She is not going to head to college and fall into so much of the ridiculous relationship drama that seems to plague lots of college freshman (if I use my facebook feed as any indicator). She is driven and already making reasonable and exciting plans for her future. She can be a great friend to everyone. She is prepared. And she is going to have an excellent time. I hope she doesn't mind too much if I live through her vicariously every once in a while.

And now the day has come. I woke up early and taught seminary and then came home to watch Laney say goodbye to each one of her siblings as they headed off to school. I thought that this would be the point when I would break down in tears ... but nothing. Savannah and Spencer had to leave first to head to the high school. I know that Savannah will really miss Laney. They are truly best friends. One of my favorite things in the world is to sit and listen to the two of them laugh with each other about random things each day. I feel like Laney understands Savannah better than anyone else, and it makes me sad to think about how distance will change their relationship. I hope that they will always remain close to one another. No matter what. Spencer and Laney have had a more push and pull sort of relationship. Part of me thinks that it is because they are so alike, although neither one of them would admit it. But that relationship has gotten a lot better as the two of them have matured in the past several years. As Spencer hugged Laney today for the last time in awhile he said, "I will miss you for the last half of the time I've known you, not the first half. I'm still upset about you stabbing me with a screwdriver during the first half." You have to know Spencer to know that he said it all with humor and love. (And the screwdriver incident was not as bad as it sounds, but bad enough that Laney got the chewing out of her life from Herman). Katie also left early to head to the 6th grade center. She and Laney look so similar. As Katie has gotten taller in the last few months I have constantly called her Laney. I'm going to have to break myself of that before she gets a complex. Secretly, I think that Katie is most excited to see Laney go so that she can have extra room in the bedroom they share, but you didn't hear that from me, right?

JoJo and Hyrum left a bit later to get on the bus to the elementary schools. Their goodbyes were pretty simple. Hyrum pretended to weep, but he handled things just fine. JoJo just treated it like any other time he says goodbye to Laney. I'm not sure he totally understands exactly how different things will be. No big deal.

Minsy was going to be the hard one. I could tell that Minsy knew something was happening for the past several days because she has been VERY reluctant to have Laney leave her sight. Minsy loves Laney so much. She is her good buddy, and she will not know what to do if her "Mamie" is gone for a long time. Herman and Laney decided to wait to leave until a little later this morning, so Minsy got to spend some good quality time with Laney as she packed. Laney has always been super good about letting Minsy help her with lots of tasks around the house, and she let Minsy help her pack her stuff in the car this morning. Then they headed to the garden for a bit to pick tomatoes like they have lots of time in the past few weeks. But after a bit it was time to go. They have a LONG drive ahead of them before they get to Idaho, so every extra second spent at home was going to kill them on the drive out there.

And that's when everything finally hit me. As we headed outside I really thought about how much things were going to change now. This is the beginning of a new chapter in our relationship with Laney. Sure, we'll still have influence with her, but the reality is that she will be making more and more decisions completely independent of us. Scary thought. I wasn't ready to move to this next level. I thought about so many things as we stood on our front porch getting ready to say goodbye. I thought about how clueless we were when she was born. We knew NOTHING about raising children. Yet she still loved us. I thought about how I used to watch her run home after getting off the bus when she was in kindergarten. I thought about how happy she was to get back to our house after a day away at school. It made me think sending her away now to school far, far away. I really hope that she can have the same enthusiasm about coming home now as she did back then. I thought about her love for all things Harry Potter. I thought about her years growing up and seeing her change from a cute and precocious little girl into a strong, courageous, and righteous young woman. And I thought about all the things that I will miss while she is forging her own path in this world. I will miss hearing her sing to her favorite EFY songs while she worked to clean in her room. I will miss seeing her write things constantly in her journal. I will miss that feeling of joy I always felt when I saw her showing kindness to those who were desperate for someone to talk to. I will miss seeing her kneeling in prayer by her bed, something that she would always do without prompting. I will totally miss that little dance of joy that she would do whenever she got a letter in the mail from her missionary friends. That was always so much fun. I will miss seeing her play with Minsy each morning. I'll even miss her constant need to re-watch Saturday's Warrior over and over again ... so hokey. I'll miss it all.

So I stood there on the porch and started crying. I tried to hold it in and be brave for Laney. I didn't want her losing it as she headed out. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't. I just want so badly for her to be okay. I want for her to make good choices and find ways to truly be happy. I don't want for the crazy world around us to corrupt her good, sweet personality. I want to be with her FOREVER.

Saying goodbye one last time.

As we stood there hugging goodbye Herman told us that he was thinking today about what it must have been like for Heavenly Father when we left our pre-existence to come to earth to gain a body and gain experience. He must have felt so similar to how we feel as we watch Laney go. We know that she needs to do this. We know that she can only progress and reach her full potential if she leaves us. But we sure hope that she will make good choices and remember us. We hope that she will take the time to call us and listen to our advice we when offer it. We want her to come back to us, happy, healthy, and strong.

We headed down to Minsy's bus stop to get her on her preschool bus, and we were a total mess. Laney was able to give her one last hug before saying goodbye for awhile, and all of us were in tears. The bus driver and the aide probably had no idea what was wrong with us. But we made it through. It is going to take a bit of time before Minsy really figures out that Laney is going to be gone for awhile.

We made it back to the house and said goodbye one last time. I have been a mess since then. Luckily it comes in waves so I can get a few things done in between sob fests. This is only the beginning for me. I can look forward to having to do this six more times. I have heard it gets a bit easier. I hope so. I'm not sure my emotional state was meant this much feeling.

I am feeling sort of old today, and yet I also feel like I am not nearly old enough to be having this experience. It seems like only yesterday that we brought home a sweet baby girl, and one night in the middle of my post-baby blues Herman had to comfort me as I cried and explained that I was sad that I couldn't feel her inside of me kicking any more. I know. That probably sounds terrible, doesn't it? But I so missed that feeling that you get when you are so connected with another little person. I can't explain it. Today it seems like I only had time to blink, but now I am feeling a different sort of separation anxiety because my little girl is now an adult and will living a life that is not as connected to ours as it once was. She will be having experiences separate from ours, and I don't think I am quite ready to let that happen.

And yet it has happened.

I can't do much about that, and, to be honest, I wouldn't change things anyway. This is how life works. We are now entering a new phase of parenting with Laney. It's going to be different, yes. But it can be just as exciting and fulfilling as this last phase was. Laney is ready. She is strong. She is smart. She is kind. She is good. And she KNOWS what is important. She has all the tools she needs to make it ... not just make it, but thrive. I am excited to see where life takes my first born. It's going to be a sweet ride.

P.S. -- Just for kicks, I uploaded this song that Laney sang for New Year's Eve this year. It makes me happy. :)