Communication Without Language

Minsy with JoJo, a frequent star in her
conversations with us

I have been really thinking and pondering the past week over how amazing our communication with Minsy has been in the three and half months that we have known her.  It really is remarkable to think about how shocking it would be to the system to be plucked out of the only world you know at the age of four (three?two?) and put down in a completely different civilization with different lifestyles, customs, language, etc.  I mean, we all have two eyes a nose and a mouth, but we would seem so different in the eyes of a young child.  How does your brain even begin to process such a situation?  Do you just shut down until you are mentally able to process things?  Do you just fumble around as usual and hope for the best?  I just can't imagine how it would be.  The thought that came to mind as I was thinking about this situation that Minsy has been thrown into by coming to the US to live with our raucous family was a scene in one of my favorite movies (mini-series) Lost in Austen.  It is a cute, romantic, funny story of a modern day Londonite who loves Pride and Prejudice and finds herself living in the actual world of the book, messing up the story in the process, and finding herself in love with Mr. Darcy.  This scene is when she is sucked back into her modern day world and Mr. Darcy finds himself there as well after following her.  I have to admit that the scene won't be as exciting to you as it still is for me when I watch it if you haven't seen the entire beginning of the story to see the evolution of characters, but here it is:

Love this scene!  Love it!  Love it!  Love it!  "I followed you to this infernal place because I would follow you anywhere."  Be still my fluttering heart!  But I do always wonder what it would be like to be thrust into a world out of your time like that.  I'm amazed that Darcy is able to just stand there and take it all in without having a major meltdown right in the middle of a busy London.  

But at least everyone was still speaking the same language.  Not so for our little Minsy.

I have read countless blogs and yahoo group messages from those who have adopted from China and share with one another the process of language acquisition for their new child.  Some are very concerned about the lack of progress after several months.  Some don't worry much at all, trusting that their child will figure things out eventually.  Once I witnessed an extremely heated battle online over the use of flashcards to help their child learn the language.  I could see both sides of the argument, but please ladies, can we try not to judge one another?  We're all in this situation because we CARE, deeply, about the welfare of our children.  We all have different styles and techniques, but we are trying to do the best we can.  Judging each other harshly for our techniques, as long as we aren't being abusive, doesn't help anyone.  Those snip-fests that occur in online "support" groups can get on my nerves.  But the point is that there is a spectrum of ideas about how concerned we should be about language acquisition after a China adoption.  I decided that with Minsy I would just follow the philosophy that I've had for all of my other children.  I would just be patient and supportive, and when the time was right she would pick things up and do just fine.  

So it has been three and a half months.  In the beginning the only thing that we knew Minsy was telling us was "Boo yao!" (I don't want it!), "nyao, nyao" (I have to go to the bathroom), and "Xie, xie" (thank you).  There may have been a few other Chinese words here and there, but the reality was that she never really made any clear sounds that we could decipher as any sort of language.  Mostly, if she did decide to talk, she would whisper a few things that even our Chinese guides could not understand.  Mostly she responded just as Mr. Darcy did above.  She sat and watched, drinking everything in.  I can always tell when she is overwhelmed by a new situation because she just relaxes wherever she is and watches intently.  

After all this time here a little has changed, but it isn't anything that is groundbreaking to most people.  She still doesn't speak a lot of words, at least not many that we understand.  But she is still communicating with us very effectively.  She has a few words that she does very well, mostly family names.  She can say NO, JOJO, LANEY (mamie), MAMA, DADDY, UH OH, LOOK,  BYE BYE, PUPPY, and BUBBLES really well.  She uses a few signs that Laney has taught her.  But mostly she has this all new language that she uses.  It isn't Chinese, and it isn't English, and I wouldn't even say that it is a cross between the two.  It is more of a mumbling connection of sighs and grunts and melodic breathing put together with very expressive gestures that get her point across.  I kind of feel as if she knows that Chinese isn't the right language to use with us, but she isn't quite comfortable enough with English to belt it out, so she has created a comfort language.  And it works just fine.  It's a little like dealing with baby babble, except because Minsy is older she is able to express her feelings so much more effectively, avoiding some frustration that babies feel when their babble language isn't getting across.  

So many times a day Minsy will run to wherever I am, excited to tell me something.  Then she will proceed to tell me a story, complete with hand motions and facial expressions.  I have no idea what she is saying to me, but I can understand the emotion behind her words, and in the end that is the most important part of the language for her.  I respond to this emotion appropriately, whether it is with words of excitement or encouragement or comfort.  If she needs me to perform some sort of action after her words she will curl her pointer finger, encouraging me to get up and follow her.  Then she points to where I need to be, and I'm able to figure out exactly what the problem may be.  She can effectively let me know when she is hungry and thirsty, when she is bored, and when she is excited.  So many times her stories are just a series of sighs interspersed with "JoJo" or "Mamie" so that I know that she is talking to me about one of her favorite people.  Yesterday, when I was talking to Savannah about this amazing language that Minsy has communicated, Savannah suggested that her talking was a lot like an ewok.  Bingo!  That is exactly what it is like.  We have no idea what she is saying, but we know exactly what she means.  You could list any number of characters from the Star Wars movies -- R2D2, Chewbacca, etc.-- and the approach to language is the same.  In fact I thought of the scene in Return of the Jedi where C3PO was telling the jedi story to the ewoks, and I think that that perfectly illustrates the way that Minsy communicates with us.  This is the best clip I could find on youtube:

It gets the point across perfectly.  Minsy's conversation goes a bit like this:  incomprehensible word, incomprehensible word, JOJO, incomprehensible world, BUBBLES, incomprehensible world, and so on and so forth.  So we find ourselves plugging along.  We are still debating what to do about Minsy's age.  I'm waiting until we see the pediatric endocrinologist in April before I make a final decision, but right now we are leaning toward changing her age to three.  We have a few years to go before we need to worry about her entering school, and during that time we can work with her to develop the language skills she will need to be successful in school and life.  I'm content to give her even up to a year to just leisurely soak up our world and learn the language that she can.  At that point we might, and probably will, put her in some sort of language enhancement program so that she can catch up to where she needs to be.  I am happy to just allow her to shine as she is right now.  She is such a pleasant and happy little girl, so willing to giggle and smile when she is feeling comfortable in her surroundings.  I have to admit, I really kind of love her quasi-language that she has created.  We have found a way to understand each other in a language that is beyond words.  It is a language that speaks to the heart, and I believe that that may be the most important language of all for all of us to learn.  When we connect with one another in that way we can overcome any obstacles that come our way.  We're ready, and we're able to conquer the world together!