Meditations on a Life of Organized Chaos: Me and My Not-So-Friendly Relationship with Water

JoJo, Laney, Hyrum, and Minsy getting a little sun!

aquaphobia [ˌækwəˈfəʊbɪə]

(Medicine / Pathology) an abnormal fear of water, esp because of the possibility of drowning

I'm not exactly sure when I developed an unnatural fear of swimming. I've never been a strong swimmer. My parents enrolled us in swimming lessons at the local pool, and I never ever passed the beginner's lesson. That's right world ... I never passed beginner's swimming. But it wasn't as bad as it sounds. I just had trouble with the backstroke. That seems a bit weird to me now since I prefer to swim the backstroke to anything, but it was what it was. My brother Bryan and I were the seven year-olds in the beginner class with the four year olds. Humiliating. After the third try without passing I think my parents just gave up on us ever passing, so we never advanced past that level. I didn't like going underwater, and that makes swimming a bit difficult. But still, we had season's passes to our community pool, and my brothers and I would walk to the pool regularly during the summers when I was in elementary school. I never freaked out during those times, but I was always a cautious swimmer.

The old Waverly Bridge. It still freaks me out
just looking at the picture.

I have always believed that drowning would be a horrible way to die, so I'm a bit terrified of drowning. Just the thought of being unable to get oxygen into my lungs, and being totally conscious for all of the terror puts me into panic. I remember once when I was growing up we were at my Grandma Lay's house and my mom and aunt were talking with my grandma about a television show which had recently aired in which they discussed ways to escape from situations like fires and cars being submerged in water. I still remember them talking about how to escape a car when it goes underwater. It involved rolling the windows down slightly so that the car could slowly fill with water, equalizing the pressure and making escape easier. I could just imagine sitting in my car and slowly watching the water rise. Eek! That whole conversation freaked me out, and I still think about it every single time that I cross the Missouri River at Waverly on the way home. At least they finally replaced that horribly narrow bridge that was there when I was growing up. Now the wider bridge doesn't give me nightmares like the narrow one had, but I used to be terrified that I would hit an oncoming car on that bridge and go careening off the edge into the murky waters below.

But even with all of those early fears of water, I still enjoyed going swimming every once in awhile. I think that things really changed for me when my kids were born. Now I was not just worried about myself ... I was worried about my children. As horrible as drowning would be for myself, I couldn't fathom just how horrible it would be for that to happen to my children. So I became a SUPER nervous swim mom. Any time we come close to bodies of water I am constantly harping on my children to be careful. Any sort of horseplay can put me into a fit of apoplexy.

So my kids are doomed to be terrified of water too, right?

Not so much. I happened to be married to a man who is part fish, I think. Herman loves the water. He spent the best times of his youth swimming at the Elm Hole, a swimming hole on his grandparents' farm. He didn't seem to have a lot of supervision on these swimming expeditions, and yet everyone turned out okay. Herman does not fear the water. He LOVES it. And he loves to play with the kids whenever we go swimming. One time my dad saw him swimming with the kids at a hotel pool and said it was like I had one extra child with me. That's about right. As I watch him horse around with the kids I am always yelling at them to be careful until eventually I have to just find somewhere else to be. I can hardly watch it without feeling my blood pressure rising. Stick all of them in a natural body of water like a lake or the ocean and I really start to freak out. When I can't see the bottom of the water I start to imagine all sorts of crazy scenarios ... sharks, stingrays, jellyfish, snakes, whirlpools, The Creature from the Blue Lagoon, unnatural holes that could suck them under. Anything could happen. Whenever we are at the beach I spend the entire time counting children in my head ... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7 -- okay, everyone's accounted for. Once, a few years ago, we went on vacation to Gulfport, Mississippi, and the water right outside our hotel was extremely shallow. Herman and the kids decided to walk out as far as they could go into the ocean. ...And it was FAR. I'll bet they walked for at least a quarter mile. I could just see their little heads bobbing along the water's edge in the distance. I was a nervous wreck. The great news was that they were able to see several dolphins close up. The bad news is they were far enough into the ocean to see dolphins close up. It was not the most calm I've ever been in my life.

Hey! It could happen. Really.

With all of this fear of swimming I have not been the best parent to take my kids to the pool much. I dread doing it. Luckily Herman takes the kids most of the time. But they really, really, really try to encourage me to come along with them. Usually I beg out, explaining that I have too many things to do. I managed to make it all of last year without visiting the new community water park one time. This year they finally got me to go. And it wasn't so bad. There are lots of fun things for the kids to do, and lots of the water is shallow, so I don't worry so much about the little kids drowning, especially while there are lifeguards watching. At this point JoJo and Minsy are the only kids who aren't great swimmers, and JoJo is getting close to learning. That gives me some comfort. I'm glad that parenting for us is a team event so that Herman is there to help my kids love the water in a way that I never have.

Yesterday at the water park I even challenged Spencer to a race. I think I might have won, but that may have only been because Spencer underestimated me. I think he was taking it easy because he knows that I am not a big water person. So hurray for winning the race. But my poor body was not up to the challenge. I came home and practically collapsed with pain and fatigue.

I don't think I will ever get over my fear of the water. I will always worry about my kids swimming, even when they move far away. It is just one of those things about me that will probably never change. But you know, I don't think that it is too bad to have someone in the family who is hyper-aware of dangerous situations. That will hopefully keep us safe enough as we travel this world.

So you probably aren't going to see me a lot at the local pool. And if you see our family at the beach I will probably be the one on the beach counting over and over and over. Just another little quirk that makes me who I am.