On Puzzles and Marriage

He's teasing me. I'm sure he is teasing me in this picture. Or maybe it's my normal look?

 A few weeks ago Herman gave a talk in stake conference about marriage. It was lovely, like most of his talks are. One part of the talk stood out to me though. He was sharing how when he is counseling couples who are struggling in their marriages, he often asks them to name activities that the two of them enjoy doing together. It surprises him that more often than not, the couples have a horrible time coming up with activities that are mutually fun for them. At first when he said that, my reaction was, "How could you struggle coming up with an answer for that question? Herman and I have lots of fun together!" But then I got to thinking ...

And here's the thing ... Herman and I have lots of fun together. Our conversations never lag. I think I could talk to him about almost anything until the sun burns away forever. We go on dates a lot. Now that we have built in babysitters we can go out several times a week. We have mutually beneficial interests like our children, the Church, our companies ... things like that. So we have a ton in common, but when it comes to activities that we both love to do ... well, we had to think a bit. You see ...

• We like to watch movies, but Herman likes action/adventure movies, and I like romantic ones.
• We like politics, but Herman is more conservative, and I am right. :) I jest ... sort of.
• We both like to read, but that's not great for couple bonding.
• Herman likes to look at houses and buy rental properties. Me? Not so much.
• Herman likes to bargain shop at thrift stores. I would rather peel my skin off layer by layer with a paring knife than go shopping.
• I'm a night owl, Herman is a morning guy.
• And on and on and on.

It was kind of shocking to me to see how hard it was for us to come up with an activity. Herman mentioned this in his conference talk, and it is true ... We were excellent daters before we got married. Excellent. I planned some super amazing dates for us back then. Somewhere deep in my psyche I must have known that he was The One, because I didn't have that much creativity for any of the other people I dated. But as the years have passed by we've gotten a bit boring with our dates. I think that that may be because for the longest time while our kids were young we were just so overjoyed to have alone time as a couple that we didn't feel any need to plan an extravaganza. Dinner and conversation was all we needed ... all we have needed for all these years. 

Anyway, after thinking about this for awhile, Herman and I decided that we needed to find an activity that we could do together. Herman thought that we could buy a puzzle and do it together ... not because he actually likes doing puzzles, but because he thought it would be a good thing for us to do together while we talk. Great idea! ... in theory. In practice it was a bit bumpy.

The first thing we needed to do was to find a puzzle. One day I was at Wal-mart, and I decided to go ahead and pick up the puzzle for us to do. There isn't a huge selection of puzzles at Wal-mart, but I took some time and found what I thought would be perfect for us. It was a 1000 piece puzzle of a country scene that looks a lot like the Thomas Kinkade pictures that are so popular. It was beautiful, and I thought that it would be a good challenge for us.  It was practically perfect ... or so I thought. When I got home and showed it to Herman, I found out that his idea of the perfect puzzle was totally different. First of all, he wanted a puzzle that we could easily finish in one evening. 1000 pieces was not going to work for that. Then he didn't like that the picture on the puzzle had colors that were too similar. While I looked at it and saw beauty, Herman looked at it and saw puzzle solving chaos. We had to go back and choose another puzzle.

Last Friday we headed back to Wal-mart during our date night and tried again. As we stood in the puzzle aisle and tried to come to a decision it became clear that Herman's idea of what a good puzzle would be and my idea was completely different. I liked the idea of a challenge that would take us several days and test our puzzle making skills to the max. Herman liked the idea of a puzzle that could be completed fairly quickly and done in one evening, giving us the chance to do something together without overwhelming us so much that we would be unable to converse during the process. We compromised. We bought a set of Disney puzzles with puzzles ranging from 300 to 500 pieces. Easy to do, but not too easy. So the first part of our adventure was completed. Hurray!

We brought our puzzle home and headed out to Herman's office to complete it so that it wouldn't be scattered by curious youngsters. That's when we discovered that we have two very different ways of solving puzzles. I like to complete the outside edge and then fill in the middle. Herman likes to look for similar pictures and put them together first. I focus on speed. Herman focuses on quality time. Herman is pretty good at collaborating together. I work much better on my own. I liked having my own little section of the puzzle to work on by myself. Herman was always wanting to reach over and grab some of my pieces so that he could "help me." We were a goofy mess as we tried to make our Disney masterpiece. 

It was so interesting to see how different our personalities are. We approach problems so differently. Herman laughed at one point when I pointed out that I could finish this puzzle so much faster if he would just let me do it on my own. I guess that would defeat the purpose of our "mutually enjoyable" activity, wouldn't it? But seriously, I could not begin to fathom how he was going to finish this puzzle in the manner he was proceeding. But we worked it out. Despite our different tactics, Herman and I finished the job. Yay!

I think it is fascinating to see how different we approach things but how compatible we are as a couple. We sure do see problems differently when we approach them, but I think that each of us bring an element to the table that makes us more effective as a couple. Herman's enthusiasm and willingness to take risks is awesome, but he needs my ability to logically plan a course of action as well as my conservative side to balance out his aggressiveness when it comes to problem solving and planning for the future. And vice versa. This puzzle activity was such an example of those differences in our personalities, but you know what? We finished it. We found a way to work with each other to complete our task. And I think that that is one reason why our marriage works. I'm so grateful for it. I feel like we are both better individuals because of the strength we have when we are together. Even if Herman does do puzzles all wrong.

We've got more puzzles in line for future weeks. Maybe one of these days we'll figure out how to work together smoothly to finish them. And I'm holding on to that complicated 1000 piece one. Someday we'll be ready for it ... I have no doubts at all. 

Mission accomplished!