Trust in the Lord With All Thine Heart ...

***I started this post the day that Laney left on her mission, and I just couldn't get myself to finish it until today. It still feels a bit inadequate to what I want to say, but it'll do for now.**

Herman told me today that I am a classic "late crier." I never manage to get emotional in the midst of what should be an emotional moment. It is only afterwards that I lose it. I thought I was handling things pretty well as we prepared to send Laney off on an 18 month mission to the Chile Concepcion Mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I was a blubbering mess when Laney left for college in September, but this time around I felt overwhelmingly calm. I thought that maybe I had just gotten used to the parting after spending this semester without Laney. Or maybe it was different because this time I was sending Laney off to serve the Lord as a missionary. Whatever the reason, I managed to make it all the way through Laney's hugs and goodbyes as she headed to the security lines at the airport to begin her journey. Laney was crying. Herman was crying. I was totally dry-eyed. I lasted until she made it to the x-ray machines and then the tears started flowing. There are times that I really hate the modern TSA security measures. I sometimes wish for the days when we could have walked her all the way to her gate to see her on the plane. Instead we are made to feel like common criminals, separated from our family by a line of uniformed guards eyeing us with distrust because we won't just move along. But I digress. It was just hard to see her moving slowly further from my field of vision, knowing that I would not see her again for 18 months.

The truth is ... it is a sacrifice to send Laney to serve this mission. It is hard. So I cried.

Here are just a couple of the things we sacrifice as Laney serves:

1. Easy Phone Access

A lot of people are surprised to hear that we are unable to have instant phone contact with Laney while she is away on her mission, but it's true. It really is. She needs to have the opportunity to totally dedicate herself to serving the Lord, and as she does this she separates herself from her home life for these 18 months. We still get to communicate, just not every day. She will have the chance to call us on Mother's Day and Christmas, but other than that we will depend on letters and emails to keep the lines of communication open. Is this going to be hard? Oh yeah. I was one of those parents who always wanted to know what was going on in Laney's life every single day that she was in college. We texted. We called on the phone. We emailed. We facebooked. We were always communicating, even while she was away from home. This will be a new situation for us. I trust that she will be protected and happy, so I don't have to know every single daily activity. Still, I admit that there are times that I have this urge to grab the phone and call her. Instead, I just sit down and write out an email or a letter. It isn't an immediately gratifying action, but I think that we will cherish these communications in the future.

2. Family Memories

It is still strange to celebrate birthdays and holidays and not have Laney here. We have already gotten a bit used to this while she was away at college, but on those days when we were celebrating something we always made sure to call Laney and let her participate long distance over the phone. It will be super strange to go on vacation next summer and not have her as part of our entourage. Since I have waited forever to finish this we have already had almost two weeks without Laney here at home, and we got to experience our first Christmas with her away. I'll admit that we missed her a bunch. She is our Christmas fanatic, and she is always the one who gets super excited about our family traditions. The other kids didn't seem as enthusiastic without her cheering in the background. We will miss her as we celebrate anything during the next eighteen months. I really, REALLY wanted to compensate for this loss by purchasing a Muppet Whatnot from FAO Schwartz. Instead of Laney sitting at the table or heading on vacation with us, we would just let her Muppet replacement sit in her place. I even designed it and stuck it in my shopping cart. Check it out:

Isn't it ADORABLE????

It would have been perfect, but Herman thought that this would just be creepy. I don't know. I like it. There is still time. Maybe I can talk him into it before the mission is over. We could do this for all of our kids as they leave the house. Herman thinks it might be a little too Norman Bates like. We'll see. Don't worry little Muppet Laney. I'll find a way to make you mine. I will.

3. Sibling Time

When Laney came home at the end of her fall semester I heard Savannah and her in the living room laughing and laughing and laughing as they talked. I had not heard Savannah laugh like that since the day Laney left for college. It isn't that Savannah has been weeping and sulking for four months. She hasn't. She's enjoyed her time with the rest of us. But she and Laney have such a special bond, and she just doesn't laugh or talk the same way with anyone else. When they went to high school together they talked about how they would pass each other in the hall and reach out to link their pinkies for just a second before passing on. I thought that was just wonderful. I never realize how much they need each other until they are apart. They'll be apart for a long time now. And it isn't just Savannah. Laney has a special relationship with each of her brothers and sisters, and those relationships will change now. Minsy especially loves her "Mamie", and she can't quite understand that she'll be gone for so long. And while Laney serves Minsy will grow a ton, both intellectually and physically. She'll be a different girl when Laney returns, and Laney will miss some of that growth.

4. Laney Time

There are too many things to mention that I will miss about Laney herself as she is in Chile serving. Some of these things are things that I have already been dealing with while she was away at college, but now I'll just have to wait 18 months to get my "Laney fix." The Christmas carols in August. The squealing when something exciting happens in her life. Her excitement over Korean television dramas. Seeing her sit in her room, listening to uplifting music, and she marked favorite passages in her scriptures. Her fun facebook and blog posts. Hearing her beautiful singing voice. Her yummy cookies. Lots of things. I will miss those every day moments that aren't necessarily epic by themselves, but together they string memories that are priceless. I am sacrificing those every day moments now as she serves the people of Chile until June 2015. My loss will be their gain.

So, yes ... it will be a sacrifice as Laney serves a mission. And it does make me cry sometimes, although I'm getting better. It's more of a dull ache these days.

But ...

It is worth it. It is worth it because I can't think of a better place for Laney to be at this time in her life. She has been living for this moment her entire life. She is driven to serve others. She will be an amazing missionary. I could never take that opportunity away from her, and I could never take that opportunity away from the people of Chile. They deserve to know her, and they deserve the chance to hear the message of the gospel of Jesus Christ that she is there to deliver. How could I keep them from that just so I could spend a few extra moments with Laney at home? Twenty-three years ago I was introduced to two young women who made the same sacrifice that Laney is making today. They didn't get called to serve anywhere nearly as cool-sounding as Chile Concepcion. They got called to the Oklahoma Tulsa Mission. But they came and served in Springfield, MO while I was in college, and they taught me the message of the gospel. They changed the entire direction of my life, and for that I will be eternally grateful. I love MY missionaries, Amy Heckmann Zenger (who I still talk with) and Stacy Gomm (who I cannot find. Does anyone know her now???). I am who I am today in part because of them. There are people in Chile who are just like I was ... lost. They need to know who they are, where they came from, and where they are going. Laney can help them find the answers to these questions. I will sacrifice whatever it takes to give them the same happiness that I have in my life. The gospel is true. I know it. I love it. I live it.

Laney has a favorite scripture, and it is the scripture that she has chosen as her missionary scripture. It is from Proverbs 3: 5-6:

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. 

So that will be my scripture for this time as well. I can trust that all will be okay and that this sacrifice will be worth it in the end. I will choose to trust in the Lord, and He WILL direct my paths and Laney's paths for the next eighteen months and forever.

Still ... it's okay to be a bit sad once in a while as Laney is away from home. Right before we left to take her to the airport I was frantically trying to get together some appropriate music for her to have while she was serving. My computer was being a bit wonky, so I was having to listen to snippets of each song to make sure that I was actually copying a real song and not just dead air. As I listened to the music, a song from one of Laney's EFY CDs came up. It is a song that she would often sing as she worked in her room, and it makes me think of her every time I hear it. It made me cry as I thought about her leaving us, but I thought it was a perfect song to show exactly why we choose to sacrifice so much in the next few months. It is why Laney chooses to serve, and it is why I choose to support her however I can. We believe.

You can follow Laney's missionary journey by following her blog HERE. She's an excellent writer!