How To Snag Yourself an Awesome Missionary

Elder Davies trying to come up with some lyrics to describe Elder Urban,
while Elder Urban accompanies him on the ukelele.

Okay. Before anyone gets too worried about our family interactions with our great missionaries ... the title of this post is a bit misleading. You'll just have to read on to get the whole story.

I usually have a hard time feeling comfortable around the missionaries that come through our area. Well, to be honest, I have a hard time feeling comfortable around anyone until I get to know them a little better. Drat my infernal shyness! But since the missionaries are generally not here for very long I don't interact with them enough to ever feel at ease. By the time I get to that point they are usually transferred out. But there are people out there who I instantly connect with. I usually attribute that to elements in their personality that just make it easier for me to open up and be myself. That's the way I felt when I first met Herman. It was like we had been best friends forever, even though I'd just met him. And I have met a few people throughout my life who are just like that. Generally with the missionaries Herman is the one being the social butterfly, and I hang on for the ride. 

Right now we have some missionaries serving, however, who I have really felt comfortable with. They are great young men who are diligently serving in our area, and they can be tons of fun too. I haven't volunteered to feed the missionaries very often in the past several years because I have found that any time I sign up Herman ends up having a surprise meeting scheduled, so we just end up sending the missionaries out for pizza. And now I've gotten so out of the habit of having them over for dinner that I get a bit flustered trying to get it all together. But it all works out. Last night we were scheduled to have the missionaries over for dinner, but I had thought that we were going to have to send them out for pizza again because Laney had a date scheduled with a young man from the Springfield area who wanted Herman and I to come along too. That's right, there is actually some guy out there who thinks that Herman and I are cool enough to double date with! How cool is that! Well, it ended up that the date got pushed back a week so we were able to have the missionaries over. ... And it ended up being probably the funniest and most enjoyable missionary dinner I have ever hosted.

And I've got to share!

You know how I've mentioned in previous posts how much Herman likes to talk about his dating philosophies and finding your future spouses? No? Well, it's true. He likes to talk about this ... a lot. And he has some very strong views on the topic. Very strong. Lots of the views I agree with. Lots I think are over the top. Hopefully between the two of us we won't totally scar our children as they grow up. Well, last night we ended up talking with the missionaries about Herman's dating philosophy. I think that things got started when Herman asked the missionaries (again!) if they had a girl waiting for them back home. Elder Urban said that he had had a girlfriend, but she hadn't written him in nine months. And he didn't have anyone else really writing him either. Elder Davies, on the other hand, apparently has dozens and dozens of girls writing him and sending him perfumed pictures with kiss marks all over them. After joking about this for a few minutes Herman told Laney and Savannah that they needed to sing Elder Urban a happy song on their ukeleles that would cheer him up. So Laney sang this song:

It turned out that the lyrics weren't quite as uplifting as Herman was hoping for. Oh how I wish that I had a video of this! So, so funny! Especially Elder Urban's fake tears at the end of it.

The next topic of conversation was Herman's ideas about how Laney should be dating. For those of you who haven't heard, check out my post HERE. The short explanation is that Laney should be dating often, with as many different young men as possible, and we are willing to drive her to the ends of the earth to find these great young men if we have to. Oh. And he thinks that Laney should not date anyone exclusively until she thinks she is ready to start thinking about marriage. Herman believes (and for the most part I agree, although not so militantly) that dating in the teen years is all about figuring out who you are and what you like, and if you start pairing off and dating exclusively then you are cutting off those opportunities to do that. He thinks that you should only begin exclusive dating when you are ready to announce to the world that you are ready to be married. That led to the elders and Herman planning out Laney's transition to the world of exclusive dating. They all decided that Laney should throw a Debut Ball, inviting all who attend to know that Laney is now getting serious about dating. Only serious suitors need apply. As creepy as this discussion might sound in a blog post, it was actually hilarious. And Herman is way serious about actually doing this. I will devote myself to preventing this from happening.

Laney deserves a medal for her patience in all of this discussion. Really.

And all of this led up to the final dating discussion of the night: How to Snag Yourself an Awesome Missionary. Herman's plan for Laney, once she has her huge Debut Ball and is serious about finding Mr. Awesome, is for her to dedicate herself to being a diligent writer of boys who are on their mission. He plans on encouraging her to write several missionaries at once, systematically leading each one of them to fall desperately in love with her (but not too much in love -- they've got to be devoting the majority of their enthusiasm to serving the Lord on their missions). Just to be clear -- these are Herman's grand designs, not Laney's. And I tried really, really hard to be the voice of reason in this discussion. But, you know, Herman likes to form these sorts of plans, and sometimes it's best to just nod along happily and then make your own plans later on. Because his plans can be ridiculous ... and impractical ... and unrealistic. But I do love the guy. I can't help myself! He's too funny!

Well, the missionaries were more than willing to offer their own advice about the best way to write missionaries. Obviously Elder Davies is the master at this since he is getting hundreds of letters a week from girls all over the country, all creepily perfumed and lipstick marked. So he's seen good writers and he's seen creepy writers. Elder Urban mostly spoke from his experience of watching his companions get letters. (But don't feel too sorry for Elder Urban world! He's got a rock solid plan to meet Taylor Swift, convert her, and then marry her -- all after he becomes the rookie MVP of the MLB playoffs. He'll be okay, I'm sure!) As the two of them started spouting off advice it got intense. There was lots of rapid fire sentences being thrown out with lots of enthusiasm. Obviously they felt pretty strongly about the way that girls were writing them. The whole time I kept thinking, "I should be writing all of this down. This seems pretty important." Or at least it might be important if Laney actually was going to put Herman's mastermind plan into action. And she's not. At least not the way he has laid it out. Not as long as I can spend my days preventing it. Have I mentioned that Laney might need a few prayers thrown her direction so that she can survive her parents? No? Well, that might be a good idea.

I wish that I had written this post last night when my memories were fresh, but I'm getting old and my mind is a bit mushier than it used to be. For now, here are the pointers the elders gave Laney for Operation Snag an Awesome Missionary:

• Don't be creepy.
• Talk about your life, the fun things you are doing -- but not the dates you've been on.
• Wait three weeks to send another letter if your last one was not answered
• But do write again, even if your last letter wasn't answered, because sometimes missionaries get busy and forget to write 
• Talk about funny things in your life
• Send a care package no more than once a quarter
• Don't send too many letters or your missionary will start to worry that you are taking him away from the work. Once a week is sufficient. Twice a month is better.
• Don't start planning your engagement or the wedding. Don't make assumptions. Missionaries get a bit creeped out when you start asking their opinions about announcements or wedding colors.
• Share awesome missionary experiences you are having. They like those!

Such a funny, funny night! I love our missionaries! And just in case you are worried that they just sit around all day and have these sorts of interactions with all of us -- they are actually very hard working young men! They are great missionaries and a great companionship! And it turns out that they might be able to start a career when they go home ... writing an advice blog for young women hoping to catch their perfect man who is out serving his mission. 

Elder Davies and Elder Urban. To the future!